jikan_network | video; un: ilqaras

[ It had to be the sheer heaviness and the lack of many emotions in the older man's voice that cut deeper than Allen had expected, an iciness settling over him as his brows knit into a small frown even as he listened to those words.

A familiar hurt clutched at his chest as it had before, but this time he knew he had to stay calm.

Dohalim spoke of these people he called friends and how he was sure of how they looked at him. 'An inconvenience they feel they have to endure'. Something just didn't sit right with him, bringing up his hands to overlap Dohalim's where they rested with fingers laced together. His perspective on friends and those close to him were probably different than most, but maybe he might be able to grant some insight here. ]

Are you sure it's not just because that's what you want to see? You might be the only one who thinks they see you like that, because of the guilt you carry.

[ Allen shifted to look a bit back at the older man, still not pulling away from this embrace or having any intentions of such. There was so much of this to go through but he'd do his best. ]

If you consider them possibly friends... did you think to ask how they felt about you?

[ The resignation in Dohalim's voice actually hurt in a way he couldn't quite put a finger on, and he sincerely hoped the man didn't push him away for saying such blunt words. He took in a deep inhale, then let it go as something solemn and almost dark fell about him. ]

I do understand though. How it feels to think you don't deserve kindness or having someone who would feel happy around you due to what you've done... I get it. [ The only person he's ever really killed had been Mana when he was revived as an akuma, and the others were just ones he failed to save but then again.. there was always more to it. He himself was a complex mess and it was time to dig deep to get it all out there. ] The one place I call my home...? I'm on the run from them back home as they labeled me as a fugitive. Most of the people there... they see me as a traitor and a monster even though things are out of my control.

[ People didn't think he didn't notice the disdainful looks people shot him once the Noah-related things were revealed about him? He wasn't blind, he just put up a mask so he pretended like he didn't know while being perpetually afraid everyone he cared for was going to leave or die on him. ]

It just seemed like people being close to me lead to them getting hurt... and I spent months on the run to keep them safe. Away from me. It was so lonely... and I convinced myself it was for the best. Even with everything i've done... [ Allen's breath trembled but he didn't cry. Not this time. His head was bowed, focusing on keeping Dohalim here as selfish as it may be. ] Please. You keep telling me you don't deserve it, but I don't see that at all.

You have to understand that, while I am different from other Renans, as a former lord, I represent the very people that oppressed and enslaved the Dahnans for hundreds of years. While I consider my companions close, aside from one other Renan, there are four Dahnans comprising the group.

[it's hard to ignore the looks Rinwell gives him, or the muttering under her breath about the smallest thing about Dohalim. he, however, isn't in any sort of position to defend himself; it was the Renans (namely Almeidrea) who wiped out her entire clan and family. to argue the fact that the blame shouldn't be put on him would be discounting her truly terrible loss.

Law is-- was-- slightly better in that regard; though, in the end, it was the same. his father had died at the hand of a Renan lord. then there was Kisara and Migal. Migal had died because of his own ignorance, wanting to ignore what was happening behind his back to live in a fabricated version of peace in his realm]

It isn't so much an assumption than it is mere facts. And yet, I still consider them friends.

[which only did speak volumes about how lonely he really is. to have lost his own, very small group of friends that he basically attached himself to the first person who'd shown him a semblance of kindness (then again, Alphen truly was just that type of person)... it sounded pathetic the more Dohalim thought about it.

but as he listens to Allen's words, his own admissions, he starts to realise that, while their situations are vastly different, there are some parallels to their lives. to want push people away in an attempt to protect them, to live with their own sins... and that tremble in his voice...

unlacing his hands, Dohalim gently places one over Allens, giving it a light squeeze]

[ Once again he'd internally winced as once again he'd went off on a tangent, riled up with his own emotions despite his best efforts to say calm about the whole matter. There was no promise that Dohalim even wanted to hear about all of that and here he'd went, spilling it all out there and he couldn't take it back.

Before he'd gotten a chance to apologize for rambling on like that, the older man spoke up again and he quietly listened to everything while collecting himself the best he was able to.

Those were all solid points in themselves, but... he was still somewhat stubborn and he'd never really learnt how to just leave things be. ]

You may be a former lord... but you personally had nothing to do with the oppression or slavery of all of those Dahnan people, Dohalim. I just... don't know why they wouldn't be able to separate the two when they look at you.

[ He closed his eyes, and what looked like little snowflakes were materializing and falling onto Allen's hair but as soon as they did? It dissipated as if it'd never been there at all. ]

That says a lot about your wish to be close to them. You're really quite kind, and I know if you tried to show you want to make up for anything bad you may have done? I'm sure eventually they will see that.

[ As someone who wore his heart on his sleeve, there were still many times when he doubted if his words had any real effect on others. He'd always still reach out that hand to help others, facing forwards with a smile that occasionally was just a mask he put on to appease others as that's what people liked to see, right?

The unlacing of those hands and the one placed atop of his own, coupled with that light squeeze was enough to silence his anxiety on the matter and he exhaled a soft breath he hadn't even been consciously aware of holding. ]

I... got a little carried away before. Again. Sorry about that.

Trauma is a beast like that. For them to have a face to blame for what they have endured...

[while he understands what he's trying to say, and that there is logic behind them, to Dohalim... it just isn't as simple as that. even though he vowed to end the Crown Contest, to stop the unethical treatment of Dahnans, and free everyone from the shackles of something so cruel... it's just easier to take that blame. he's no stranger to looks of hatred]

Am I truly that kind? Or, again, is it just out of sheer desperation of wanting that closeness? What if, like how I'd brought peace to my realm, it is all just self serving? Do I truly deserve this companionship, or is it selfish of me to want it?

I know... but it just doesn't feel right to put it all on you.

[ Allen knew the feeling of people staring at him with disdainful, hurt looks. People who have lost family or friends to the akuma or the Noah family, then finding out he was one of them?

He knew every single time those people glared at him or talked behind his back, that they were only using him as an outlet because they'd been told he was a Noah (which he was) and clearly just as bad as the rest of them. The things Rouvelier must have said to fill their heads up about how awful he truly must be as a 'traitor' to the Order.

That's why his words had been lined with sadness a moment before, at least until his attention shifted to what the older man had said just then. ]

Dohalim...

[ His brows narrowed and in that next moment? Allen moved to carefully turn around so he could cup Dohalim's face in both hands. ]

Stop putting yourself down like that. You're not selfish for wanting this and you DO deserve it, okay?

[reaching up, Dohalim loosely wraps his hands around Allen's wrists,, but he doesn't move to pull his hands away]

My selfishness had gotten many people killed, because I wanted to believe in something that I had lied to myself about.

[he closes his eyes, leaning into Allen's touch]

Forgive me if I am wary of wanting things for myself.

That's in the past. This right here?

[ Allen smoothed his left thumb over Dohalim's cheek, as if a quiet reminder of what he was talking about. This moment between them where so many honesties had been shared and he still didn't think any less of the man whatsoever. ]

You can want this. There's nothing wrong with this. It won't result in anyone being hurt, especially if I have anything to say about it.

[ He relaxed a little when he felt Dohalim relax into his touch, only now being truly aware of those hands on his wrists. ]

Do you... get where I'm coming from, at least?

I... Am not sure how you could think so highly of me.

[Dohalim lets out a soft, shaky breath, before trying to swallow the lump in his throat. he really had to think back on the last time someone held him like this, spoke to him like this. it's been years... seven painful years of not having his friends with him, of being reminded of the pain and hatred...]

Nor am I sure how you can promise such a thing.

[he wants to believe Allen's words, desperately. the teen already told him that he wouldn't leave, and he'd already confirmed that to be the case. but to make such a statement... could he put that much weight into Allen's words?]

Edited 2021-11-21 02:49 (UTC)

After everything i've said so far tonight... you still have to ask how? [ A soft, breathy laugh exhaled past his lips with ease here. ] A person's mistakes don't define them, and you've shown SO many kindnesses to me each time we've run into each other. Actions speak so much louder than words.

[ Allen moved close enough to place a kiss on the center of Dohalim's forehead, his smile bright and absolutely radiant without a shred of hesitation. ]

I see a kind man who's gentle, with a good heart who's been burdened for entirely too long and can't even see his own real self worth.

[ He then sighed, not willing to pull his hands away just yet and making sure to lock eye contact with Dohalim before he even dared to continue. What he was about to say wasn't really something he did with many people, so it'd hold more weight than the Renan Lord ever would know. ]

I'm really protective of those I consider my friends, so as such... I swear on my name and pride as an Exorcist of the Black Order that I will do everything I can to fulfil that promise to you.

[ Oh he was positive the man wouldn't know the meaning of what his job title carried or his - technically former - workplace held but his expression was dead serious and firm the entire time. Hopefully the weight of the words themselves would speak for themselves. ]

[Allen would be right in assuming that Dohalim has no idea what any of his former title and occupation is, but the sentiment doesn't go unnoticed. looking deep into Allen's eyes, Dohalim looks like he's searching for something. a hint of a lie, maybe? just the smallest piece of evidence that Allen is doing nothing more than entertaining these ideas in an attempt to placate his turmoil? but he doesn't see any of it, just the sincerity of his words]

...It has been over seven years.

[Dohalim's words are soft; he isn't sure why such an admission with slip out now, and if Allen would even understand what he means. it's been seven years since the last time he was able to do something for himself, claim something outside the trappings of nobility and expectations of becoming a lord. he was happy playing music; it was all he wanted. he wanted to sit in that town square every day, with his three companions, synced harmoniously as they played their violins together. it was an unspoken synergy between them, and all trappings of social class and structure melted with the first drag of the bow against violin strings.

it's been over seven years since he'd been able to truly confide in anyone, to let his emotions out, to live life as normally as he could. to sit like this with a friend.

how the hell was he able to do it by himself for so long?]

I was alone for seven years.

[ Even when those eyes search, they'd find nothing but pure, honest sincerity. He wouldn't have said something so lightly unless he completely meant it, after all.

So when he first heard Dohalim utter those words? It'd surprised him as he wasn't expecting them, nor did he initially understand what they meant but his mind was supplying all kinds of things. Seven years was a long time, but did it mean what he was thinking it did?

It soon hit him like a sword through his chest, eyes wide in shock as things DID set in. Dohalim had separated himself from others and pushed them away for seven whole years, lying to himself and thinking he didn't deserve such things as this. He put the pieces together. The man was like this because he'd killed someone close to him for a title he wished nothing for, so... it'd make sense that this incident had to have happened around that time and where he'd put himself on this self-destructive path up until now.

Allen's hands dropped from the older man's face, but only so he could move and wrap his arms around Dohalim in a hug. His face pressed into his shoulder quietly. No, he wouldn't cry. No. ]

I can't... imagine how painful it was for you. To spend that long on your own.

[ He shook his head slightly, knowing just how a couple months had seemed horrible enough as it was for him. Years? Allen knew he never could handle that long on his own. ]

Never again. I... I won't let you be alone again, Dohalim.

[could Allen really promise him that? it's something he so desperately wants to cling to, like a child clinging to his favourite toy. a single promise, such simple words, yet they hold such a heavy weight to them.

he doesn't want to be alone, anymore. he really does want to surround himself with those who would allow him to be himself, and not just some painted version of a lord, of someone who championed peace just to quell the troubles in his own heart.

Dohalim won't lie, it terrifies him to let himself be so vulnerable to as many people as he already has been. while that number is still in the low single digits in Nippon, it... is still too many people, especially when he's built walls so high up to prevent this very thing from happening.

and yet...]

...I am... Holding you to that promise.

[wrapping his arms around Allen's shoulders, he practically clings to him, as if afraid that if he let go, that this would all dissolve and a cold realisation that none of this is real]

[ When one looked at the big picture? Allen was just one person among many, and one who would really rather focus on everyone else's problems than his own.

Here he was, having completely invested himself in helping out this man who had been hurting and on his own for seven long years. Like this, he could tell himself that his problems paled in comparison to everything he's heard said to him up until now. This is what he focused on, letting Dohalim practically cling to him without a second thought. ]

I won't let you down. [ His voice is soft, but edged with kindness here. ] I keep all of the promises I make.

[ Allen's fingers loosened slightly from where they'd been, if only to have one of his hands slowly move up and down in a soft, soothing gesture against the older man's back. In terms of drunk people, this had really went much better than he'd expected and he was happy.

Hell. He didn't even realize that kizuna had briefly created what looked like small, wispy angelic-type wings that came out from his back. Ones that were mostly visual but if touched, would be soft like feathers for a second. ]

...Do you think... when you're feeling a bit better... that you would like to hear me play the piano...?

[ Not a courtesy he always would offer anyone, but it was sure something. He didn't intend to take it back either. ]

[and it's the fact that Dohalim is still a little tipsy at this point that when he wakes up in the morning realising that the wine fruit had loosened his tongue, he's going to be mortified at what he's said, and how he acted. it certainly wasn't fair that Allen had to pick up the pieces of his shattered self along with cleaning the blood off his regalia (which is... still soaking in the basin), but... he'll lament that in the morning.

however, as of right now, his shoulders did feel a little lighter. like the weight of years of pain he'd kept to himself is lifted only enough to give him some reprieve.

as the kizuna wings unfurl from Allen's back, curiosity takes Dohalim for a moment as he runs a hand through them; they're soft. surprising,to say the least--]

--Piano? Where...

[where were they going to find a piano? Dohalim certainly hadn't run into any instrument shops or he would have taken a gander, so what is Allen talking about?

[ Perhaps it was because of kizuna being what it was, he couldn't quite feel that those wings were there but only somewhat aware that the older man was touching something. They were wispy and barely tangible, remaining there for a moment longer as a soft laugh escaped him.

Sometimes he forgot that he was the only one who had something like that. ]

I... have a place that only I can access here and... there's a piano there.

[ A very faint pink tinge colored his cheeks, feeling a bit awkward about what he was about to say. Mostly the weight attached to the words themselves. ]

You'd be the first person here who would get to see it. [ Allen cleared his throat, glad Dohalim couldn't see his face right now. ] I can take you there and play... well... the one song I do know of.

[for some reason, it sounded a lot like the empty space that the Renans used when they needed to store their personal items (Dohalim included), but on a much bigger scale. he vaguely remembers Allen mentioning a place only he could access earlier]

Is it the same place you intend on storing my master core?

[naturally, he doesn't mind, of course. but he also has to wonder just how big this area is if he can fit a whole piano in there.

but... for him to be the first person to ever see it... this place must be nothing short of sacred to Allen if no one else has seen it]

I... If you would like to, I would be honoured to come with you.

Oh! Yes, actually.

[ Allen really was pleasantly surprised that something like that was remembered, which had him laughing softly. He was still a bit reluctant to deal with the ark but at the same time, wanted to start associating good memories with it. ]

It's the safest place I know of, especially in the room that houses the piano itself.

[ This place was essentially a city inside the cube, so much larger on the inside than what it appeared. Something happy and warm flooded his chest when he thought of finally sharing it with someone on good terms. No life or death situation, no fighting. ]

Great! [ Those wispy wings dissipated in favor of those brilliantly golden-white notes forming through the air again, almost even appearing to shimmer now as well. ] We can take time and plan a day for it. I can show you around... b-but that's... later. For now...

[ He cleared his throat, even with the happiness that'd welled up inside of him so easily just then. ]

Maybe... getting some rest may be a good idea?

[it almost lifts Dohalim's mood hearing Allen get excited about showing him something something that belonged solely to him; he finds himself getting just a little excited to see what this ark is.

the mention of rest sounds like a welcome one right now, but Dohalim finds himself not wanting to be too far apart from Allen; he doesn't pull away just yet]

...Do you mind terribly if I rest by you?

[even if he has to lay down on the floor by him, Dohalim would prefer that than being away from him]

Not at all.

[ Somehow he felt that the older man knew he was still going to finish the job he came here to do, even if some part of his mind said it was futile. That and he'd also figured doing this meant he could keep utilizing his skills in mizu magic while keeping to his word. ]

It's probably a bit... odd that I still want to finish cleaning your clothes for you. [ He sighed. ] I just... hate leaving things unfinished.

[ So even knowing Dohalim probably wouldn't wear those clothes again? The thought still counted. So they would be there and ready for whenever he DID wish to. ]

I would recommend against wasting your time, but... You have proven to be rather stubborn when it comes to the things I say.

[there's an odd fondness in his voice; Dohalim can't help but feel attached to Allen. he really does think that cleaning his regalia is futile at this point, but then again, who is he to have an opinion on the efficacy of Allen's cleaning techniques? he did ask for help with this, after all.

so, with that thought, Dohalim pulls himself away (albeit reluctantly, wanting and needing that warmth), so he can give Allen room to actually do what he'd originally came here to do]

[ Allen couldn't help but laugh a little and nod in agreement, the sound light and almost amused. ]

Yeah, I know. I'm that way with everyone I care about, trust me.

[ He's wearing a smile as he moved to get the basin and carefully tugged it closer while rolling up his sleeves again as they'd come down a bit in the last few minutes. The extra soaking the material got in the water actually did it more good, so he took a handful of cloth to hold it up while using the other hand to press to the bloody spots.

Using mizu magic to pull the water-drenched blood itself from the white material as if it'd never been there to start with. ]

Even if you choose not to wear these again for a while... I want to make it so that when the day comes and you feel up to it? You'll be able to without the reminder of whatever happened.

[ Turns out the practice he'd been doing at his place turned out to be fruitful, mixed with his own determination here. ]

Mm, I doubt that. I have the uncanny skill of holding onto the past when I should not.

[at least Dohalim's admitting it; he really must be worn down emotionally. he doesn't keep himself away from Allen for too long; as soon as he's settled in the cleaning the garments again, Dohalim is right behind him again, arms wrapped around Allen's waist, just like before. his cheek is pressed against his shoulder as he lets himself finally relax, letting out a soft sigh]

But... I do appreciate the effort, all the same.

Well... maybe I can try to help you with that. If you'd let me, that is.

[ There's a subtle weight to his voice, enough to tell that he didn't say those words to Dohalim lightly. Allen knew he was relatively well-grounded and he liked to help people, so maybe he had a chance at maybe helping someone else out but he also would never push the man to do anything he wasn't comfortable with.

Upon feeling those arms wrap around his waist again, those pale white music notes materialized once more. This contact really was quite nice and he'd never be able to express that in enough words, honestly. ]

I'm glad.

[ He returned to the task at hand, pleased now with that he had a very small patch left to work on. Focus on a spot, pull the bloody water from the fabric to put into the basin, repeat. Sometimes he'd have to do it a second time if the first didn't do it completely, but what mattered was how he was nearly finished with it now. ]

I know it may sound... silly but... if you're ever feeling down and you just want something like what we're doing now? This kind of contact? Don't be afraid to come and find me. [ He paused, cheeks a very faint pink. ] I don't mind helping, even if it's just this.

[Dohalim considers the offer, sitting in silence. the idea of relying on someone as a support, to commiserate with on the days (and nights, mostly nights) his anxieties take hold of him and cloud his mind, the idea of some to just share moments such as this...

Dohalim isn't sure if he'll ever stop wondering what compels people to want to help him. perhaps, he'd called people friends, but... had he really known the true meaning of the word? surely, he would have done the same thing, if roles were reversed, and he wanted to do the comforting, but he'd always thought that maybe, it was because he's sympathetic towards others (or, before he took up the lordship, that was the person he was, at least). it's a foreign concept, to allow someone close to him again in a matter that isn't just a guard almost hovering around him to keep him safe. Allen's just a person who genuinely wants to offer a shoulder, should Dohalim ever need it]

...Would it be selfish and self-indulgent for me to want it?

Not at all.

[ Allen's answer comes quick, voice soft but lacking any hesitation or uncertainty whatsoever. He'd even shook his head, smile still pulling at the corners of his lips. ]

It's not wrong to want things for yourself like this. To want to have someone you can talk to and get things off your chest is actually a good thing.

[ Better than keeping everything all locked in and rolling about your head, really.

Though in hindsight, Allen knew he was a slight hypocrite as he tended to keep to himself a lot of the time and reaching out to get help for himself wasn't always something he did. He left that unsaid, now beginning to work on the last little spot of blood even as a touch of exhaustion began to set in.

Mostly on an emotional level over anything else. ]

video; un: ilqaras

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