jikan_network | un: nolongerhuman

Entry tags:

un: nolongerhuman

So. Kizuna. I get asking 'is it normal for blah blah blah' is kind of a useless question right now, since it's new to everybody, but. Has anybody else been having weirdly large numbers of daydreams about people they met here? I'm normally pretty good about not zoning out, but lately I can't keep my mind from wandering.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Oh no, oh no-]

I-I'm sorry? If I made you think it was an exclusive thing I really didn't mean to, I guess I should have made that clearer-

It's not-- it's not that.

[Honestly she'd find a Dazai who wants to be exclusive with her creepy in a way she's not sure how to put into words.]

It's... Sempai. [A sniffle, as she curls up more under the blankets.] I-I always knew... he probably didn't think of me the same way, but... I-I still thought... maybe I had a chance someday...

[She uh. Never did elaborate how strong those feelings for her Sempai were, did she?]

[Ahh. He sits down and pats her shoulder through the blankets.]

There is, though? I mean, you fooled around with me and you still like him, there's no reason the same wouldn't apply in reverse.

[Time to peek her face out-- oh, she's a mess rn.]

You don't get it. He's never even looked at someone else that way. The only person he ever really looked at was... Dazai. The one from our world.

What if...

What if he's been gay this whole time and I've just been too stupid to see it?

[HIGUCHI........ PLEASE......]

...isn't it more likely that he just doesn't think much about that kind of thing in general?

[pat pat pat]

Don't psych yourself out before you've even confessed to him. I'm still rooting for you.

D-Don't talk like you know him better than I do! I'm the one who's always been by his side, not you!

[Time for some good ol' misdirected anger.]

You also have a terrible self-esteem that makes you doubt your chances when you shouldn't.

[gonna tell it like it is.]

You just said that he's only ever looked at Dazai, right? Dazai's not the only man in the world - if he were thinking about that kind of thing with men in general, you would know.

Shut up!!

[She's sitting up now, eyes narrowing. She's never been very good at controlling her anger. For all that it's not nearly as obvious as it is with Akutagawa, her temper is practically as bad as his.]

[She starts to move -- but thankfully, not to grab her gun, but to stand.]

You don't know a damn thing about me or what I've been through! Stop talking like everything's so simple when you have no idea what kind of lives we've lived!

[It's subtle. But there's a shift in the air between them. Something that seems to be driving Higuchi forward, practically shaking from how angry she is, as words tumble out before she can stop them.]

I should have believed you from the start-- staying here with you was a mistake!

[And something shatters.]

[As soon as the words leave her lips, suddenly it feels as though Dazai was very, very far away. A cold tightness grips her chest, feeling as though her very heart were being wrenched out it.]

[The fragile and new Kizuna bond they formed-- easily shattered by her harsh words.]

[She gasps and grips her chest, quickly falling to her knees. It hurts. It hurts, and she can hardly breathe. And overwhelming sense of loneliness rises up within her, and as she looks back up at Dazai, tears fill her eyes anew.]

[What was happening?]

S-Se... sei?

[The sting of the bond breaking mixes with the pain that comes from her anger. He hates to have people upset with him, especially when it's his fault - so it's impossible to tell how much is the Kizuna breaking and how much is just him being himself.

He folds in on himself, arms wrapped around his chest.]

If... If shooting me would make you feel better, you can go ahead. Non-fatally, I mean.

[Since the other one goes without saying.]

[His words sting. And yet he still feels so far away. And the pain-- is he feeling this, too? Or is it just her?]

[She was the one who broke the bond -- naturally, it snapped back and hit her harder.]

[His eyes downcast, he may miss the look of anguish on her face. But it's not natural -- this isn't just because she's upset with him. Which might just become more obvious as she falls to her side, still clutching her chest in pain.]

[But she has no right to reach out to him, does she? Not after what she said. After what she inspired him to say.]

[The pain finally starts to fade after a few minutes, but she stays where she is on the floor, expression dazed as tears roll down her face.]

['Are you okay' seems like a dumb question, considering. But that does seem like she's in actual physical pain. For some reason.

Clearly the response is just to curl in on himself more.]

Sorry...

[It takes a few deep breaths for her to speak. She feels... drained? At the very least, whatever anger she was holding onto seems to have dissipated.]

...what just happened? It felt... like I was dying, or something. My chest still aches.

[Or... still is?? Did she have a heart attack??]

I don't... know.

[He doesn't know anything, like she said.]

I guess it'd have to be a Kizuna thing...?

Maybe. Is... this how it feels when a bond breaks?

[That has to be what it was, right? She's not sure she recalls any particular feeling when the bond was made, but maybe it was different when they broke.]

It must be. ...Sorry.

[Because it's his fault for being stupid and not knowing what to say.]

No, don't... I lost my temper. I... shouldn't have said what I said.

[...]

If you don't know a lot about me... it's because I don't want to talk about it. That isn't your fault.

Still... sometimes I say stupid things when I'm trying to be supportive. I should've just kept quiet.

[At least there's no more yelling.]

...I'm not used to people being supportive like that.

[Things like that were rarely ever spoken out loud in the mafia, even when she knew them to be true.]

But... I don't think it would be so bad. To get used to it. And... living here.

[Despite what she said, and despite the distance she still feels between them -- something else inside her is practically begging to stay.]

[After a second, he scoots closer to her on the floor.]

Can we be friends again?

[Meanwhile she starts to actually move -- at least so she can sit upright with him.]

Yeah. I'd like that.

Good.

...I was serious about the shooting thing. I've had worse, it's not a big deal.

[Dazai they were having a mOMENt]

I'm not going to shoot you.

[this is moment material??]

If you're sure...

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

tw: suicidal ideation mention

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject