jikan_network | video; un: ilqaras

[Red Wine considers for a moment, then locks the conversation from public view to at least give the poor man a modicum of privacy.]

I think it's been established that that isn't the case.

[He isn't quite pushy in his tone, still keeping it mild, but he clearly isn't letting it drop. Red Wine decides quite quickly when he thinks someone is worthy of his attention and Dohalim had shown himself to be someone in that category the first time they had met.]

But if you're going to insist on being alone I've no intentions of forcing my presence on you. You're sure you won't reconsider?

I...

[damn the man for calling him out like this. is it that obvious that he's not fine? of course it is; he's talking with someone he's only met several weeks ago, drunk, and wallowing in his own depression. the only thought now is just how embarrassing he must look, compared to the austere image Red had seen in their first encounter with each other.

Dohalim lets out a soft sigh. he wants to be alone, but there's a small, nagging sensation in the back of his mind. before he could stop himself, he mutters out his address]

The door is unlocked.

[The tips of his long ears prick up just slightly when he hears the address being given, and he commits it to memory before nodding slightly.]

I'll be there.

[And a little while later, there would be the sound of someone trying the door. Red Wine finds it open as promised and steps inside, politely removing his shoes before venturing further in.]

Dohalim? [Hopefully he hasn't got himself into a worse state than he was in when they spoke, because he might never recover from the mortification if Red Wine has to peel him off the floor.

Luckily it's no such thing, and he finds Dohalim thankfully still upright... more or less. He lets out a little sigh and steps over to him, crouching down at his side and lightly touching the back of his hair before gently combing his fingers into it.]

There you are.

[too lost in his thoughts, Dohalim only vaguely hears his name being called out, but it's the touch that brings his attention back to the present as he glances up at Red from his arms. his eyes close for a moment as he just lets himself feel the fingers comb through the tresses of wavy red; a small comfort]

...Good evening.

[a proper greeting, to gather what little semblance of propriety and dignity he has left, if he even had any of it. he can still feel the effects of the wine fruit, the floor feeling rather tilty under him as he... sort of leans into Red Wine's hand]

Hmm... [Red Wine sits and curls his legs under him at the side of the kotatsu and rests his elbow on the table, tilting his head with a faintly amused smile. He rubs the pad of his thumb lightly behind Dohalim's ear.]

Overdid it a bit, didn't you.

[Still, he's seen worse and he still doesn't think less of the man for seeing him like this.]

How about I get you some water. Maybe something to eat. Or would you prefer I help you to bed?

I would like to think that I did... Just the right amount.

[his slurred speech says otherwise, but oh, the rubbing against that spot behind his ear is nice]

As for what I would like... I would like a hole to bury what is left of my shattered dignity.

[he cracks his eyes open to glance at Red Wine, letting out a soft sigh]

And... Perhaps some water.

Mm, I'm afraid I'm not much for manual labour unless I can't help it. [So, no digging. But he'll keep gently stroking behind his ear while he talks. Dohalim's hair is soft - he hadn't really noticed that last time.]

You're on your own with your dignity, but I'll get the water. Stay there.

[Not that he thinks the man is in much of a state to move. Red Wine gets up and returns with a glass of tepid water, setting it down near Dohalim's hand.]

Come on, now. [And he rubs his shoulder then, coaxing him to sit up.] Up you get, sweetheart.

A shame...

[the few minutes that Red had disappeared, Dohalim finds himself slumped over the table again with his head in his arms; he groans softly as he's gently moved to sit up]

Sweetheart...

[if he were of a more sound mind, Dohalim would mention something about the nickname, and how ridiculous it is, but he doesn't say anything for now. he'll take a few sips of his water instead. after a few silent moments, Dohalim gently puts the glass down and looks at the other man]

...Why are you here?

[it's not a question out of confusion, but a question of just... "why". why has this person he's barely met here, tending to him, when he could literally be doing anything else?]

Would you believe me if I said I didn't have anything better to do? [Red Wine asks with a faintly wide-eyed expression of feigned innocence that doesn't last more than a couple of seconds. It's a valid enough question, though, so he shakes his head and shrugs one shoulder delicately.]

You made a good impression on me. I like you.

[He brushes his deep violet hair back from his face, though the long shape of his ears prevents it from being tucked behind them without a fuss being made about it.]

And I dare say I've been you. Doing this.

[Dohalim lets out a soft, derisive laugh, more directed at himself than at Red Wine. the sentiment is nice, to be liked, without discrimination or judgement, but... can he say that he deserves it?]

There is more to me than meets the eye, Red Wine.

[he isn't surprised to hear Red say that, in a way to commiserate with him. he isn't the first person to drink (or, in Dohalim's case, eat) their way into a drunken stupor, and he won't be the last. but... a part of him is curious as to why Red Wine did.

though, he won't pry, unless the other man is willing to tell him]

[He shuffles himself until he's comfortably seated at the kotatsu. Ah, it's been a while since he was able to use something like this, and though he isn't often a fan of being too warm, it can be welcome in the right circumstances.

And it gives him space to rest his elbow on the table and look up at Dohalim with curiosity in his wine-red eyes.]

I wouldn't doubt it. There's more to most people than meets the eye.

[Not to downplay whatever he's going through at the moment, but people not being as simple as they first appear is not so unusual. He sniffs slightly, and averts his gaze before speaking again.]

Dohalim, I am two hundred and fifty years old and I can promise you that very little you could say would surprise me.

[Dohalim can't help but give Red Wine a surprised look; two hundred and fifty years... obviously, he is no human, but... the idea of living that long is daunting.

he considers Red Wine's words for a moment before looking down at his glass. bringing a hand up, he runs his fingers idly around the rim of it]

...Have you ever killed anyone in your centuries of being alive?

[Wait until he finds out that Red Wine is still fairly young for one of his kind. Though explaining just what he is might make Dohalim's headache worse, so he won't elaborate on that unless asked.

The question draws a moment of silence, his gaze remaining slanted away for a few moments more before it picks back up and he meets the eyes of his companion.]

I have. I have also, through my own inaction, caused innocent people to meet their deaths. That... [And he shifts, frowns, gives a tiny shake of his head.] Is an interesting question.

[now that admission gets a breath to catch in Dohalim's throat; that comes as a huge surprise. though, living as long as he did...

his eyes close for a moment, as if to try to push out insidious memories, before letting out a soft sigh. propping both elbows onto the table, he brings his hands up to clasp each other as he rests his chin on them in thought]

Have you ever found a way to cope with that?

Time. [A simple answer.] Time provides the distance required to look back on such things and realise you can't hold yourself entirely to blame.

[Because no one is an island and as much as Red Wine does try to distance himself from others the undeniable truth is that there will always be other people involved.]

But I carry those mistakes with me always. The people I failed to save. They remind me to not be so careless in the future.

[of course the answer is time. but the idea of being tormented by unwanted memories until then don't sound like prospects he's looking forward to.

to carry those deaths... it's not like he doesn't, already. he'd told himself as such. it's why he carries the earth master core with him. he made a vow to himself, and yet...

holding his hand out, he summons his master core, gently placing it on the table. he doesn't look at Red Wine, but keeps his eyes fixated on the dimly lit orb]

I, too, carry the same weight. This symbolises it.

[he doesn't elaborate just yet; he isn't sure where to start, if he were honest. the words catch in his throat as he watches the astral energy swirl around it]

[It's an unfortunate price that has to be paid for doing things that you regret.

He shifts slightly as Dohalim places the strange object on the table, and he leans in a little to peer at it. His long ears prick up in curiosity, his interest overriding his usual compulsion to keep such things from happening.]

What is it?

[It's very pretty, whatever it is, but pretty things like this are often dangerous as well.]

A three hundred year reminder of how terrible the actions of my people are.

[realising how cryptic that must sound, Dohalim sighs softly as he tries to find his words in his drunken haze]

Where I am from, there are twin planets; Dahna and Rena. I am from the latter. Three hundred years ago, we had invaded Dahna for the sole purpose of harvesting its light energy from the planet and its people. This-- [he gestures to the master core] --Is one of five, given to the five Renan lords that presided over each realm and represented each element.

[he rubs his forehead; this is a lot easier to explain when he's not neck deep in wine fruit]

Every seven years, new lords of the realms descend to Dahna to participate in the Crown Contest; we are to gather as much astral energy from Dahnan slaves. Whoever gathered the most would ascend as the Sovereign and rule over all of Rena.

I, personally, had not wanted to participate in it. I didn't even want to become a lord. And yet--

[Dohalim squeezes his eyes shut for a moment as a memory flashes in his mind of his friend on the ground before him, dead--]

--when one is from the illustrious House of il Qaras, it is almost a birthright to participate. All candidates for the lordships were to fight for their titles. This... Cost the life of a dear friend of mine. At my own hand.

[he pauses again, this time to try to calm himself down; he gently takes his water, but it's obvious by the ripples in the glass, just how much this recollection is affecting him. and how much more to this story there is]

[Well... he'd be lying if he said that he understood all of that, but he certainly did pick out a few choice words. That is, 'invaded', and 'slaves'.

He tries not to immediately draw judgement based on this. As a Food Soul, albeit one who has been treated well throughout his life, he has a certain opinion towards slavery and those who use people without even a thought to the idea that they are, in fact, people. From the sounds of things though, Dohalim hadn't participated in this... ritual willingly.

Though that he participated in it at all is a mark against him.

Red Wine stays silent throughout the explanation and only frowns when he sees the tremor in Dohalim's hand. He is not... a heartless person.]

Go on.

[Whatever this is - whatever the conclusion is to be - he feels that it's something Dohalim needs to say.]

[he takes a long sip of his water before setting the glass down a lot harder than he'd intended; he really must be nervous. wincing at the sound, he places his other hand on his wrist in hopes of stopping the trembling, before nodding at Red Wine]

The night terrors followed me. His death, and his beloved's screams over his dead body. The loss of my dear friends that day. I think... A part of me hoped, that when I ascended to Dahna, that I could push the memories away.

However, when I arrived in my realm, all I could hear were those screams, of unadulterated pain, and it threw me back to that moment. I didn't want to hear them anymore. So, I put an end to that. Changed how the slaves were treated, improved their quality of life. Their efforts were well compensated. I did not want anyone to suffer. But only so I did not have to hear their pain, anymore.

[he wouldn't blame Red Wine for thinking less of him for it, the lie that he'd told himself, that he did this for the people and not for himself...]

It had worked out, in the end. The Dahnans lived happily, and I could carry on not remembering my sins. A mutual benefit, of sorts. I suppose that is why I justified.

What I had not factored into any of this were the opinions of Renan purists, who felt it was our right to rule over the Dahnans. What was worse was that my aide was the ringleader behind it. I was warned, by a loyal guard of mine, that he was plotting something. How he'd... fed the Dahnans this fruit to increase their astral energy output at the risks of their existence... I turned a blind eye to his warning and banished him from the palace.

When I had found out, it was too late. I still wanted to live in my ignorance, but it was ignorance that cost Migal his life. He sacrificed himself to show me what was happening away from my view. [Dohalim glances at Red Wine, eyes slightly wide, curtained by his hair] Seeing the body of a Dahnan quite literally melt into a liquid, silver substance by the shore of a lake of the same substance is shocking, to say the least. I could not even fathom how his sister must have felt when she witnessed the same thing.

But seeing all of that, seeing the magnitude of deaths because of my chosen ignorance, as well as hearing those same pained screams, it triggered something in me. I wanted to make those screams stop. [he gestures at the master core] I never used it once during my lordship. I had no need to. But I had tapped into its power, into the three hundred years worth of suffering, and attacked the very people who only wanted me to see the truth.

[he shuts his eyes once more, as he brings a hand up to rub his thumb and forefinger into them. he can feel himself start to sober up, and the headache in the back of his head needling its way into his brain]

Shortly after that, I had set out to put an end to the Contest. So no one would have to suffer again. I had promised myself that I would never use the master core, and that it were to serve as a reminder of my own transgressions, and to bring justice to those who have died.

But... I am not sure what came over me. I had used it not once, but twice here. The first time, I had gravely injured, nearly killed someone. It was an act of self-preservation; I did not want to die by his hand. The second time... I turned my hand to my friends. In a bid to be left alone, I'd hurt another friend. As someone who had vowed to stop the suffering of people, I had hurt them along the way.

This is why I was refusing visitors. I did not want to hurt anyone else.

[It's a lot to take in, but Red Wine does not interrupt. He watches Dohalim's face while he speaks and gleans far more from his expressions and tone of voice than he does from his words about how he felt about what he had done. There's a small frown still present on his face but he doesn't look as if he's particularly judging the man, only... listening.

Now and then the tips of his ears twitch.

And when Dohalim finally concludes, the Food Soul lets out a long, slow breath. This is, in truth, far beyond his experience or ability to offer comfort for. Over two hundred years of life certainly can't prepare you for everything.]

... Well, [He murmurs, and he reaches out to lightly slide his fingers across the back of Dohalim's hand.] I can say that you have successfully surprised me.

[Red Wine takes that hand and clasps it between both of his, running his thumb across the backs of Dohalim's knuckles. The weight of the guilt he must feel... and for him to snap not only once but twice, and then seriously injure somebody... He can at least understand the fear of losing control and causing harm.]

It seems to me that... your guilt is its own punishment for what you've done. [He hums softly in thought.] And I don't believe that anything anyone could do to you in retaliation would assuage that guilt. It would never be enough... would it? You would always feel that you deserved worse.

[he will admit, the hands holding onto his does bring about some sort of comfort, but it's a comfort he feels he doesn't deserve; he has to stop himself from pulling his hand away from the hold]

...If I may be honest, I do not deserve to live.

[it's the first time he's said it out loud; he'd dropped subtle hints here and there that had, thankfully, gone unnoticed or brushed off, but to outright say it... it only sinks into the bottom of his stomach, as he feels both an icy coldness and searing heat spread through him]

I have caused too much pain and suffering. Perhaps... my own life would be adequate reparations for all that I have done.

[Red Wine's expression is unreadable. He doesn't release Dohalim's hand, though his hold on it is certainly light enough to be pulled away from without any difficulty. The corner of his mouth twitches and he closes his eyes for a moment, shaking his head.]

Would it?

[He looks up then with a sharp frown.]

Would your death fix the damage you've done? [He doesn't sound angry - his voice stays calm and level - but there's something steely in his eyes.] Would it bring back the people lost because of your actions? It may bring some brief comfort to those who think you deserved to die, but it would not change anything, Dohalim. All it would mean was that you were no longer present to face the accusations against you. That those you leave behind would need to be the ones to deal with your mistakes. Is that what you want?

Of course not. I know I must face my past head on. I am aware I should not have these thoughts.

[Dohalim's eyebrows knit together, his eyes scrunching closed for a moment, trying to keep his emotions in check. but that, like the rest what he'd had up behind his impenetrable walls, starts slipping away from him. he finds himself mentally scrambling to gather what remains.

when he looks up at Red Wine again, his eyes shine just a little more than they had been moments before]

I know my mistakes are my own, and that I need to do what I can to fix them. Back on Dahna, I had set out to end the Crown Contest. I was able to focus on that.

But here... I realise just how much of a coward I am, in the end. That I do not want to face this pain anymore. I do not wish to carry this burden on my shoulders. Facing my own dark thoughts with nary a distraction to push them away... I am not sure what I want, other than for it to stop.

Ah...

[Now he understands. It isn't what he's dealing with that's the problem - rather, where he needs to deal with it. In Nippon there is nothing to keep Dohalim distracted, and he's spiralling.

He lifts one hand up to cup the man's jaw gently, skimming the side of his thumb against the cheekbone.]

I'm no stranger to dark thoughts. [Though he thinks, certainly... that Dohalim carries a heavier burden than he. It does put things into perspective, and he manages to push aside his usual compulsion to be selfish about the unwanted urges that he is always needing to keep under tight control.] And any distraction I can offer would only be a temporary one...

[He shifts, leaning in to press a kiss to the corner of the man's mouth.]

But I can offer it regardless, if you want it.

-> private;

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whomp whomp toa spoilers after this point

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i. i'm sorry for this tldr

are u tho

no but i figured i'd be cordial about it

>m>

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