jikan_network | video; un: ilqaras

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video; un: ilqaras

[there's a bit of fumbling about with the camera, fingers come into view before everything is righted, and Dohalim comes into view. he's... looking a little rough, dark circles under his eyes as he props an arm up to rest his forehead in between his thumb and forefinger. there's a slight ting of red that manages to peek through his bronzed skin, as he takes a small bite of a sliced piece of fruit; someone went foraging for wine fruit, it seems.

the silence goes on for a moment more; one would think this could be a mukbang, before Dohalim finally sighs out softly, and speaks]

First of all... I would like to apologise to those I've encountered in the last several weeks. My actions were out of line.

[his speech is slurred; he looks off to the side]

Second of all... Would anyone know how to get blood out of white linens?

[another soft sigh, before Dohalim reaches towards the camera, and the screen goes black. he was meant to draft this, but... oops he posted it instead. help a guy out, he really doesn't want to have to burn his regalia]

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[he honestly hadn't expected Allen's own confession; he always seemed so cheery. but then again... those who had such dispositions sometimes hid ugly truths. Allen was no different. and he was blind to it.

letting go of Allen's hand for a moment, he shifts around so he's facing the other, carefully nudging the basin out of the way. without saying anything, he gently brushes his thumb against his cheek, across the scar against his pale skin. he'd been crying. and he, most likely, had a hand in this]

Allen...

[Dohalim's eyes shimmer into a different colour, one that matches Allen's completely; he leans in to gently press his lips to Allen's forehead. he's grown so attached to him in such a short period of time, and it hurts to know that he'd dredged up painful memories for him. an arm wraps around Allen's shoulders as his other hand combs through his hair, pulling him close]

...Forgive me. Forgive me for saying such things...

[does he still have lingering feelings of his lack of value in his life? yes. will he always? possibly. but... he already asked Allen to stay. maybe... maybe he can stay for him, too]

[ Once he'd started, those words had all burst forth like a broken dam and he hadn't wanted to stop them. A mix of wanting to get it off his chest and the feelings he had over hearing Dohalim say something so self deprecating which had been like a knife in his chest.

This was the first time in his entire life that he'd ever admitted what he thought when it came to him and Mana, and he briefly wondered if he'd said too much. Would he be perceived to be selfish because he wanted someone else to live simply because he didn't want to deal with any more losses in his life? That had him biting down on his lower lip briefly, not having the strength to get up even as Dohalim moved around to face him properly this time.

A thumb brushing against his scar did make him look up, however, his name spoken oh-so-softly and rich brown eyes that now resembled his completely in color now. ]

I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean to...

[ It was never a surprise that he was an emotional person and now was no different, and so he'd impulsively apologized for doing so. Especially since it'd been something of a minor breakdown there.

He didn't realize that his eyes in turn, had changed to reflect Dohalim's usual eye color as he found a kiss pressed to his forehead. Such a thing that did wonders to soothe the pain clutching at his chest, a raw wound he'd ripped open wide in the heat of the moment.

Allen didn't even try to fight it when the older man pulled him close, just simply opting to rest his head on Dohalim's shoulder. ]

I... I just... [ He took a second to control his breathing and get ahold of what he wanted to say properly. ] I couldn't help myself. I got a little too upset hearing you say that.

[ A beat followed that, a slightly bitter smile showing as what looked like deep blue butterflies materialized but disappeared into nothingness once they came into contact with his pale white hair. They almost looked to be made of water if one got a good look at them. ]

I've seen grief destroy people, Dohalim. Don't go down that road... please. I want you to live... even if it's selfish to ask you to do it for a friend. For me.

[to live for a friend... to live for someone else... Allen had managed to tear down some of those walls so swiftly that he didn't realise just how close he'd gotten until it was too late to push him out. now, Dohalim can't even fathom the idea of doing so, not after the both of them had laid out deep secrets they held within themselves, secrets he's sure the both of them never wanted out.

and yet, here they are, here he is, embracing a near stranger, someone who he'd only just met, holding onto him in such a way, as if almost worried that the boy would just slip through his arms and fade into nothing, and that he would be left alone again. he only holds onto Allen tighter]

I will stay. I will live. I will stay with you, if you stay with me.

[leaning back a little, he looks at Allen, into those now honey brown eyes that he'd seen so many times in his own reflection ('This must be the work of the kizuna,' he thinks to himself), as he gently presses a feather light kiss against his lips. it's brief, barely there, but sweet all the same. as he pulls away, he has an after thought to a question he'd been asked by the very person in front of him, one that he hadn't given a answer to]

Yes, I do, by the way. Like music, I mean. [his eyes flash a deep blue, before turning back to the icy tone] ...I used to play the violin.

[he isn't sure if Allen knows what that is, but that's okay. he can ask him, if he's not familiar]

Edited 2021-11-08 08:24 (UTC)

[ This was all so strange. He'd just come here with the intention to simply help out Dohalim with cleaning those linens and leave him be since he had insisted on such.

Now... things had developed to the point where he was being held tightly in the older man's arms, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable. It was encompassing and warm, a reminder once more that he'd spent too long on his own and why he slowly reached out to loosely wrap his arms around Dohalim after a moment.

His eyes were closed, content not to move from this spot and brought more comfort when he'd heard such words. A comforting balm to soothe those wounds that been opened only moments prior. ]

I said before... didn't I? I'll stay as long as you want me to. [ A soft, light laugh breathed out and he was smiling again. No more tears seemed to remain, though this wasn't a mask. Something very inherently genuine and kind. ] Assuming that's what you meant, that is. I don't mind staying with you.

[ While kizuna still took some adjusting to, there was something nice in seeing his own pale gray-blue hues looking at him. It made him wonder if his eyes reflected Dohalim's as well, though he was brought back to his thoughts when those lips pressed a light kiss to his own.

His cheeks turned the softest shade of pink, as it had been such a gentle and kind gesture. As brief and short as it'd been, not realizing when kizuna had manifested a beautiful, vibrant yellow rose in his hair as his attention was focused on Dohalim as he finally spoke up after that.

Something that made him blink a few times before it clicked where that came from. ]

Really?? That... it suits you.

[ Allen always had been the honest time, now was no different. He'd also had a complicated relationship with music, but he may as well be up front about things here, too. ]

I just... I know how to play a piano. Though it's... just one song at the moment.

Edited 2021-11-09 01:30 (UTC)

[Dohalim gives Allen a sort of perplexed look, before his face melts into something softer, fonder. He really is this innocent... and it also makes him feel just a little guilty about imposing himself onto him in their first meeting.

However, as the yellow rose blooming in the soft white locks of Allen’s hair catches Dohalim’s interest for a moment as his eyes flick to it. Fingers slide towards it to gently brush against the petals; how odd. But... a yellow rose of friendship and happiness... is Allen truly this happy from their bond? It’s strange.

But... he has to appreciate it all the same. It’s a beautiful rose, opposite to the ones he’d produced when he used Sanguine Blossom. No, the petals are light and pure, with no bloodshed tied to them.

The piano... he hasn’t heard one played in so long, he almost forgot what it sounds like. But it does please him to know that Allen is a man of music]

Is that what you were humming earlier? And the notes floating around us?

[ It could be said for how strong kizuna could be, materializing something like a flower so vibrant and real and yet barely lasted a touch before shimmering faintly. A visual representation of something he felt but was barely tangible on it's own.

He didn't even notice it until Dohalim had reached out to touch it, curiosity written all over his face for just a second or two.

Part of him was still thinking about the look the man had on his face before then, as if he'd said something unexpected and then it became so soft and kind. A nagging thought in the back of his mind did have him wondering if things would be okay if Nea showed up again, though he hadn't experienced any relapses up until this point thankfully. Would Dohalim and those he met here be at risk to be hurt if that time did come??

Allen shoved that thought aside, thinking back to earlier and laughing softly. ]

Y-Yeah. I mean... the one I was humming was that, but the notes? Inspired BY it but probably tied to my mood, since it's kizuna.

[ The notes had long since faded for now, but he'd been aware of them while they'd been present. Hard to miss them with how glowy they'd been, really. ]

Kizuna... Such a strange magic.

[humming softly to himself, he shifts around just a little out of comfort; still embracing Allen, Dohalim moves to sit down properly, legs loosely laid out on other side of him as he pulls the other against his chest. He glances down at his soaking regalia, and while a part of him knows that they should really take care of it, he’s not so inclined to let go of Allen for the time being]

A yellow rose... For friendship. And music notes to reflect happiness. I wonder... Are you truly that happy around me?

[if it’s true, it would be the first time in so long. Even his companions back home... he’s sure they’re not happy to be in his company, but rather stay by his side out of convenience]

It is. I've never seen anything like it before I arrived here.

[ Not that it was bad. Just a bit difficult to get used to as it was hard to predict what to expect with it each time.

There was a strange, comfortable warmth that came with being embraced like this and it was clear that Dohalim must like it as much as he did. What with the man having moved to sit down while pulling him close to his chest, which - surprisingly - didn't at all feel invasive in the slightest.

It was rather comfortable, though he wasn't sure if it was just because of the bond they shared or not. Either way, he wasn't inclined to really move away yet. ]

Of course I am. [ The softest of chuckles sounded from him, light and almost melodic. ] I care about you, Dohalim. When I'm with you, I don't feel like I have to put up my guard at all and I can truly relax.

[loosely wrapping his arms around Allen's waist again, he laces his fingers together. a soft sigh slips out of him as he leans in to press his face into Allen's shoulder again, listening to him speak. he can't help but smile bitterly at that; to truly care about him, and feel this relaxed around him--]

--I almost want to say that it sounds foolish.

[perhaps it's because he's seen too many people get hurt around him, or that he was the one to hurt them. the last thing he wants is for Allen to get hurt because of him.

perhaps it's a fear of his he'll never get over]

[ Surely it said something to the small effect this place had on him, as he wasn't moving away from this contact. This feeling of arms loosely wrapped around his waist was far from unwanted, and the thought occurred to him that he could almost fall asleep like this. ]

Hmm? Why would it be foolish?

[ Allen couldn't help but laugh softly, closing his eyes for a moment as he just allowed himself to take everything in. ]

Is it really so strange for someone to be happy and feel this way around you?

If you want the shortest answer possible, then yes.

[Dohalim's voice is the opposite of the light, airiness of Allen's laugh; devoid of most emotions, but just as soft. really, the answer is deeper than just a single word, and he debates whether or not he should open himself up more to let Allen take a peek at what his dysfunction really looks like.

and hope to whatever god that's out there that the younger man doesn't push him away]

Because, simply put, I do not deserve it. I truly do not. I've hurt people around me, I have killed someone so dear to me because of my own selfish need to survive, for a title that I did not even want.

Even the companions I was with before arriving in Nippon... I consider them allies... Maybe even friends. But that may just be out of sheer desperation. I certainly do not see happiness in their eyes when they are around me, but more of a... Convenience. Or, perhaps, an inconvenience they feel they have to endure.

[Dohalim's voice, while flat, is oddly calm at the same time. as if he's accepted it as truth. in his mind's eye, it really is]

[ It had to be the sheer heaviness and the lack of many emotions in the older man's voice that cut deeper than Allen had expected, an iciness settling over him as his brows knit into a small frown even as he listened to those words.

A familiar hurt clutched at his chest as it had before, but this time he knew he had to stay calm.

Dohalim spoke of these people he called friends and how he was sure of how they looked at him. 'An inconvenience they feel they have to endure'. Something just didn't sit right with him, bringing up his hands to overlap Dohalim's where they rested with fingers laced together. His perspective on friends and those close to him were probably different than most, but maybe he might be able to grant some insight here. ]

Are you sure it's not just because that's what you want to see? You might be the only one who thinks they see you like that, because of the guilt you carry.

[ Allen shifted to look a bit back at the older man, still not pulling away from this embrace or having any intentions of such. There was so much of this to go through but he'd do his best. ]

If you consider them possibly friends... did you think to ask how they felt about you?

[ The resignation in Dohalim's voice actually hurt in a way he couldn't quite put a finger on, and he sincerely hoped the man didn't push him away for saying such blunt words. He took in a deep inhale, then let it go as something solemn and almost dark fell about him. ]

I do understand though. How it feels to think you don't deserve kindness or having someone who would feel happy around you due to what you've done... I get it. [ The only person he's ever really killed had been Mana when he was revived as an akuma, and the others were just ones he failed to save but then again.. there was always more to it. He himself was a complex mess and it was time to dig deep to get it all out there. ] The one place I call my home...? I'm on the run from them back home as they labeled me as a fugitive. Most of the people there... they see me as a traitor and a monster even though things are out of my control.

[ People didn't think he didn't notice the disdainful looks people shot him once the Noah-related things were revealed about him? He wasn't blind, he just put up a mask so he pretended like he didn't know while being perpetually afraid everyone he cared for was going to leave or die on him. ]

It just seemed like people being close to me lead to them getting hurt... and I spent months on the run to keep them safe. Away from me. It was so lonely... and I convinced myself it was for the best. Even with everything i've done... [ Allen's breath trembled but he didn't cry. Not this time. His head was bowed, focusing on keeping Dohalim here as selfish as it may be. ] Please. You keep telling me you don't deserve it, but I don't see that at all.

You have to understand that, while I am different from other Renans, as a former lord, I represent the very people that oppressed and enslaved the Dahnans for hundreds of years. While I consider my companions close, aside from one other Renan, there are four Dahnans comprising the group.

[it's hard to ignore the looks Rinwell gives him, or the muttering under her breath about the smallest thing about Dohalim. he, however, isn't in any sort of position to defend himself; it was the Renans (namely Almeidrea) who wiped out her entire clan and family. to argue the fact that the blame shouldn't be put on him would be discounting her truly terrible loss.

Law is-- was-- slightly better in that regard; though, in the end, it was the same. his father had died at the hand of a Renan lord. then there was Kisara and Migal. Migal had died because of his own ignorance, wanting to ignore what was happening behind his back to live in a fabricated version of peace in his realm]

It isn't so much an assumption than it is mere facts. And yet, I still consider them friends.

[which only did speak volumes about how lonely he really is. to have lost his own, very small group of friends that he basically attached himself to the first person who'd shown him a semblance of kindness (then again, Alphen truly was just that type of person)... it sounded pathetic the more Dohalim thought about it.

but as he listens to Allen's words, his own admissions, he starts to realise that, while their situations are vastly different, there are some parallels to their lives. to want push people away in an attempt to protect them, to live with their own sins... and that tremble in his voice...

unlacing his hands, Dohalim gently places one over Allens, giving it a light squeeze]

[ Once again he'd internally winced as once again he'd went off on a tangent, riled up with his own emotions despite his best efforts to say calm about the whole matter. There was no promise that Dohalim even wanted to hear about all of that and here he'd went, spilling it all out there and he couldn't take it back.

Before he'd gotten a chance to apologize for rambling on like that, the older man spoke up again and he quietly listened to everything while collecting himself the best he was able to.

Those were all solid points in themselves, but... he was still somewhat stubborn and he'd never really learnt how to just leave things be. ]

You may be a former lord... but you personally had nothing to do with the oppression or slavery of all of those Dahnan people, Dohalim. I just... don't know why they wouldn't be able to separate the two when they look at you.

[ He closed his eyes, and what looked like little snowflakes were materializing and falling onto Allen's hair but as soon as they did? It dissipated as if it'd never been there at all. ]

That says a lot about your wish to be close to them. You're really quite kind, and I know if you tried to show you want to make up for anything bad you may have done? I'm sure eventually they will see that.

[ As someone who wore his heart on his sleeve, there were still many times when he doubted if his words had any real effect on others. He'd always still reach out that hand to help others, facing forwards with a smile that occasionally was just a mask he put on to appease others as that's what people liked to see, right?

The unlacing of those hands and the one placed atop of his own, coupled with that light squeeze was enough to silence his anxiety on the matter and he exhaled a soft breath he hadn't even been consciously aware of holding. ]

I... got a little carried away before. Again. Sorry about that.

Trauma is a beast like that. For them to have a face to blame for what they have endured...

[while he understands what he's trying to say, and that there is logic behind them, to Dohalim... it just isn't as simple as that. even though he vowed to end the Crown Contest, to stop the unethical treatment of Dahnans, and free everyone from the shackles of something so cruel... it's just easier to take that blame. he's no stranger to looks of hatred]

Am I truly that kind? Or, again, is it just out of sheer desperation of wanting that closeness? What if, like how I'd brought peace to my realm, it is all just self serving? Do I truly deserve this companionship, or is it selfish of me to want it?

I know... but it just doesn't feel right to put it all on you.

[ Allen knew the feeling of people staring at him with disdainful, hurt looks. People who have lost family or friends to the akuma or the Noah family, then finding out he was one of them?

He knew every single time those people glared at him or talked behind his back, that they were only using him as an outlet because they'd been told he was a Noah (which he was) and clearly just as bad as the rest of them. The things Rouvelier must have said to fill their heads up about how awful he truly must be as a 'traitor' to the Order.

That's why his words had been lined with sadness a moment before, at least until his attention shifted to what the older man had said just then. ]

Dohalim...

[ His brows narrowed and in that next moment? Allen moved to carefully turn around so he could cup Dohalim's face in both hands. ]

Stop putting yourself down like that. You're not selfish for wanting this and you DO deserve it, okay?

[reaching up, Dohalim loosely wraps his hands around Allen's wrists,, but he doesn't move to pull his hands away]

My selfishness had gotten many people killed, because I wanted to believe in something that I had lied to myself about.

[he closes his eyes, leaning into Allen's touch]

Forgive me if I am wary of wanting things for myself.

That's in the past. This right here?

[ Allen smoothed his left thumb over Dohalim's cheek, as if a quiet reminder of what he was talking about. This moment between them where so many honesties had been shared and he still didn't think any less of the man whatsoever. ]

You can want this. There's nothing wrong with this. It won't result in anyone being hurt, especially if I have anything to say about it.

[ He relaxed a little when he felt Dohalim relax into his touch, only now being truly aware of those hands on his wrists. ]

Do you... get where I'm coming from, at least?

I... Am not sure how you could think so highly of me.

[Dohalim lets out a soft, shaky breath, before trying to swallow the lump in his throat. he really had to think back on the last time someone held him like this, spoke to him like this. it's been years... seven painful years of not having his friends with him, of being reminded of the pain and hatred...]

Nor am I sure how you can promise such a thing.

[he wants to believe Allen's words, desperately. the teen already told him that he wouldn't leave, and he'd already confirmed that to be the case. but to make such a statement... could he put that much weight into Allen's words?]

Edited 2021-11-21 02:49 (UTC)

After everything i've said so far tonight... you still have to ask how? [ A soft, breathy laugh exhaled past his lips with ease here. ] A person's mistakes don't define them, and you've shown SO many kindnesses to me each time we've run into each other. Actions speak so much louder than words.

[ Allen moved close enough to place a kiss on the center of Dohalim's forehead, his smile bright and absolutely radiant without a shred of hesitation. ]

I see a kind man who's gentle, with a good heart who's been burdened for entirely too long and can't even see his own real self worth.

[ He then sighed, not willing to pull his hands away just yet and making sure to lock eye contact with Dohalim before he even dared to continue. What he was about to say wasn't really something he did with many people, so it'd hold more weight than the Renan Lord ever would know. ]

I'm really protective of those I consider my friends, so as such... I swear on my name and pride as an Exorcist of the Black Order that I will do everything I can to fulfil that promise to you.

[ Oh he was positive the man wouldn't know the meaning of what his job title carried or his - technically former - workplace held but his expression was dead serious and firm the entire time. Hopefully the weight of the words themselves would speak for themselves. ]

[Allen would be right in assuming that Dohalim has no idea what any of his former title and occupation is, but the sentiment doesn't go unnoticed. looking deep into Allen's eyes, Dohalim looks like he's searching for something. a hint of a lie, maybe? just the smallest piece of evidence that Allen is doing nothing more than entertaining these ideas in an attempt to placate his turmoil? but he doesn't see any of it, just the sincerity of his words]

...It has been over seven years.

[Dohalim's words are soft; he isn't sure why such an admission with slip out now, and if Allen would even understand what he means. it's been seven years since the last time he was able to do something for himself, claim something outside the trappings of nobility and expectations of becoming a lord. he was happy playing music; it was all he wanted. he wanted to sit in that town square every day, with his three companions, synced harmoniously as they played their violins together. it was an unspoken synergy between them, and all trappings of social class and structure melted with the first drag of the bow against violin strings.

it's been over seven years since he'd been able to truly confide in anyone, to let his emotions out, to live life as normally as he could. to sit like this with a friend.

how the hell was he able to do it by himself for so long?]

I was alone for seven years.

[ Even when those eyes search, they'd find nothing but pure, honest sincerity. He wouldn't have said something so lightly unless he completely meant it, after all.

So when he first heard Dohalim utter those words? It'd surprised him as he wasn't expecting them, nor did he initially understand what they meant but his mind was supplying all kinds of things. Seven years was a long time, but did it mean what he was thinking it did?

It soon hit him like a sword through his chest, eyes wide in shock as things DID set in. Dohalim had separated himself from others and pushed them away for seven whole years, lying to himself and thinking he didn't deserve such things as this. He put the pieces together. The man was like this because he'd killed someone close to him for a title he wished nothing for, so... it'd make sense that this incident had to have happened around that time and where he'd put himself on this self-destructive path up until now.

Allen's hands dropped from the older man's face, but only so he could move and wrap his arms around Dohalim in a hug. His face pressed into his shoulder quietly. No, he wouldn't cry. No. ]

I can't... imagine how painful it was for you. To spend that long on your own.

[ He shook his head slightly, knowing just how a couple months had seemed horrible enough as it was for him. Years? Allen knew he never could handle that long on his own. ]

Never again. I... I won't let you be alone again, Dohalim.

[could Allen really promise him that? it's something he so desperately wants to cling to, like a child clinging to his favourite toy. a single promise, such simple words, yet they hold such a heavy weight to them.

he doesn't want to be alone, anymore. he really does want to surround himself with those who would allow him to be himself, and not just some painted version of a lord, of someone who championed peace just to quell the troubles in his own heart.

Dohalim won't lie, it terrifies him to let himself be so vulnerable to as many people as he already has been. while that number is still in the low single digits in Nippon, it... is still too many people, especially when he's built walls so high up to prevent this very thing from happening.

and yet...]

...I am... Holding you to that promise.

[wrapping his arms around Allen's shoulders, he practically clings to him, as if afraid that if he let go, that this would all dissolve and a cold realisation that none of this is real]

[ When one looked at the big picture? Allen was just one person among many, and one who would really rather focus on everyone else's problems than his own.

Here he was, having completely invested himself in helping out this man who had been hurting and on his own for seven long years. Like this, he could tell himself that his problems paled in comparison to everything he's heard said to him up until now. This is what he focused on, letting Dohalim practically cling to him without a second thought. ]

I won't let you down. [ His voice is soft, but edged with kindness here. ] I keep all of the promises I make.

[ Allen's fingers loosened slightly from where they'd been, if only to have one of his hands slowly move up and down in a soft, soothing gesture against the older man's back. In terms of drunk people, this had really went much better than he'd expected and he was happy.

Hell. He didn't even realize that kizuna had briefly created what looked like small, wispy angelic-type wings that came out from his back. Ones that were mostly visual but if touched, would be soft like feathers for a second. ]

...Do you think... when you're feeling a bit better... that you would like to hear me play the piano...?

[ Not a courtesy he always would offer anyone, but it was sure something. He didn't intend to take it back either. ]

[and it's the fact that Dohalim is still a little tipsy at this point that when he wakes up in the morning realising that the wine fruit had loosened his tongue, he's going to be mortified at what he's said, and how he acted. it certainly wasn't fair that Allen had to pick up the pieces of his shattered self along with cleaning the blood off his regalia (which is... still soaking in the basin), but... he'll lament that in the morning.

however, as of right now, his shoulders did feel a little lighter. like the weight of years of pain he'd kept to himself is lifted only enough to give him some reprieve.

as the kizuna wings unfurl from Allen's back, curiosity takes Dohalim for a moment as he runs a hand through them; they're soft. surprising,to say the least--]

--Piano? Where...

[where were they going to find a piano? Dohalim certainly hadn't run into any instrument shops or he would have taken a gander, so what is Allen talking about?

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