jikan_network | video; un: ilqaras

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video; un: ilqaras

[there's a bit of fumbling about with the camera, fingers come into view before everything is righted, and Dohalim comes into view. he's... looking a little rough, dark circles under his eyes as he props an arm up to rest his forehead in between his thumb and forefinger. there's a slight ting of red that manages to peek through his bronzed skin, as he takes a small bite of a sliced piece of fruit; someone went foraging for wine fruit, it seems.

the silence goes on for a moment more; one would think this could be a mukbang, before Dohalim finally sighs out softly, and speaks]

First of all... I would like to apologise to those I've encountered in the last several weeks. My actions were out of line.

[his speech is slurred; he looks off to the side]

Second of all... Would anyone know how to get blood out of white linens?

[another soft sigh, before Dohalim reaches towards the camera, and the screen goes black. he was meant to draft this, but... oops he posted it instead. help a guy out, he really doesn't want to have to burn his regalia]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

They are, I promise.

[ It was mostly just his desire to help that pushed him to keep going, hands always moving and working. Though unlike his time back in the circus or getting stains and the like out of his Master's clothing, he genuinely wanted to see the blood gone from these linens.

Allen really hadn't minded that touch, aware of it even as that hand pulled back to settle on his lap. This contact by itself still was nice and comforting, for someone who lately had been pulling away from those who cared for him. Not here. He wasn't going to keep running. So maybe that was why he was extra perceptive to what was going on around him, such as catching that sigh of Dohalim's just before his face pressed into the crook of his neck that had his smile returning so easily.

He'd even leant a little closer into that touch without realizing it, having resumed softly humming that tune under his breath as he worked.

Without even second guessing it, once Dohalim's hand unfisted from his vest and started to pull back? Allen immediately dropped the cloth in his one hand in favor of darting it down and back to grasp the older man's wrist before it'd pulled away too much. It wasn't at all painful, and it even took him a couple seconds to realize he'd done such a thing so instinctively. ]

Don't... pull away. Please. Not now.

[ Hopefully Dohalim didn't find what he'd done rude or anything, his head bowed slightly and a soft touch of color to his cheeks but he didn't let go of that wrist. ]

S-Sorry. I just... I guess I like you being right here with me. If that's... not weird to say.

[Dohalim can't help but look up from Allen's neck, to look down at his held wrist. he wants to say that it's not weird, nor rude. in fact, he's glad Allen stopped him from pulling away. it served as a reminder not to seclude himself anymore, that, perhaps, relying on others is okay, after all.

but a question remains, so loud that it drowns out all other thoughts]

...Why?

[such a simple word that holds so much, but he needs to know. he needs to know the answer. for Allen to want such a broken man to stay here, for him to go to such lengths to commit himself to a task that he might not be able to accomplish... just why?

and why is it, that among these tumultuous questions brewing in his head, he gently nudges Allen's hand away from his wrist, in favour of intertwining their fingers together? why, despite the tremor in his hands, he still grasps that hand? and why is it, that even when he realises just exactly what he's doing, he doesn't let go?]

[ Of all the things he'd initially expected to have been said when he'd done something like that? That singular word bounced around in his head and it had him really stopping to consider everything along with how to word his answer in turn.

This was about the third time he'd ever interacted with Dohalim face to face, though this is the only one he'd actively sought out.

He couldn't help the soft, gentle smile that curled his lips even as his eyes slipped briefly closed. After a certain point in his life he'd become the type of person who wore their heart and emotions on their sleeve, even if it would make him easier to hurt. How many times had he pushed himself for the people he cared about? How many times had he nearly died to accomplish that same end?

Allen had seen too much death in his life, and it didn't help that he could see the souls of those who have passed on. At least with akuma, anyway. ]

I find your presence calm and welcoming. You're unlike any other person i've ever met.

[ His gaze trailed downward to where their fingers were now intertwined, and even gave Dohalim's hand a soft squeeze. To show he liked this development and how nice he did find it. ]

I really enjoy your company and feel so at ease around you. Happy, too. I can't really explain why.

[ Exorcists weren't supposed to get attachments to people, not when they could die at any time. Then there was him, someone who had a Noah who could probably take over his body again if he wasn't careful. The man had done it once before and would again if he had the chance, and that thought did scare him more than he wanted to ever admit aloud.

These bonds he made with people here and at home? They were HIS friends and family. Nobody else's. He'd hold onto them tightly and not give in. Not again. ]

[Dohalim could argue that all of those traits don't fit him at all, especially after what he's done. was he calm and welcome? or was it complacency? and the fact that Allen says he can feel at ease around him...]

You know not what I am capable of if you feel at ease with me.

[he has to resist the urge to pull his hand away from Allen's; he does tug it slightly before fighting against his instinct, instead opting to grasp onto that hand tighter. Allen isn't aware of the terrific power he possesses, or what atrocities he'd committed. he doesn't know the blood he's spilt, the people that have died by his own hand through his own ignorance, the people that suffered because of him.

Allen doesn't know how selfish he is, that he'd rather save his own life than let a friend claim him, much less a stranger. no, he'd rather spill their blood in an act of self preservation. what's to say that, if the time came, it would be different between him and Allen? would he save his own life, first? he would like to think contrary to that, but...]

You... You do not know who I truly am...

[the thoughts spear into him, taking hold of his thoughts and hold his heart into a vice grip. pressing his face against Allen's neck again, he tries to calm his suddenly ragged breathing, the trembling in his hands strengthen as he tugs at it again; he wants to let go. but he's also afraid that he'll be lost in his own head, and lost to Allen, if he does]

[ Had he not come to know Dohalim up to this point and this were a stranger? He would have been more wary of those words that spoke of so much that he was not aware of, as this man could be some kind of actual murderer or something and he was just not taking it seriously.

Though Allen had seen enough to get a solid feel, to know there was more to this than what Dohalim was saying.

It'd also been very telling to feel that hand tug before grasping on tighter to his. Just what was going through his mind at this moment? Allen's brows knit into concern, and he had to bite back a small laugh as he considered his own circumstances when it came to those same words being turned back on him. If only Dohalim was aware of everything he could do, or how too many people have died because he hadn't been strong enough to save them. All the scientists when there was that invasion inside the Order, Suman Dark, Anita, Mahoja, General Yeager, the others on the ship... and his Master.

Nothing would ever be able to bring them back. He hated that he couldn't have done anything more and their deaths still weighed on his mind. ]

Would you ever tell me, then? If I knew what you're capable of, then I could say if I still felt the same way afterwards or not.

[ His voice was impossibly soft and calm, even as he dropped the linen in his other hand - which was pretty much dry at this point - in order to shift and reach up to place it on Dohalim's head softly. Intending to be as reassuring as possible.

Allen had heard the ragged breathing, felt the trembling in his hands but he never once let go. He wouldn't let Dohalim pull away from this. Those words from before still repeated over and over in his head, a vice feeling gripping at his heart painfully.

It was very familiar. Something he was accustomed to. ]

The same... could be said for me. I've made... a lot of mistakes in my life and many people have died because of them. [ Nobody else here had been privy to this information, a small tidbit into his thoughts with his voice soft and quiet. ] Please. You can tell me about who you truly are, Dohalim. I'm not the kind of person who has any right to judge anyone else.

[who he truly is... that's a loaded question. just who is he, exactly? the last seven years, he'd put up a facade of a compassionate lord who championed peace among his realm to silence the turmoil that he was forced to hear, and to wash away the blood that still lingered in his nose to this day]

I am a liar.

[prior to that, he'd murdered his close friend, his best friend, if he were to really look at it, in favour of survival. he didn't want the lordship, so why did he fight so fervently? why were they both so fierce in their own competition, when Tarnigen wanted the lordship more than he did?

and the Dahnan slaves, those who turned to nothingness because of his ignorance... the death of Migal, one that could have been avoided. it was by his hand, and his choice to ignore what was happening right under his nose]

I am a murderer.

[he'd promised he'd never use his master core. that it would serve as a reminder of the atrocities not only made by his hand, but of those before him. that he would put an end to the Crown Contest so no one would ever be hurt by it ever again. his master core was a symbol of that vow. and yet, he had used it multiple times just in the last several weeks alone, and nearly killed someone. to make matters worse, he'd turned on his own friend, and used the same power]

Everything you have witnessed about me is nothing but a mask, a facade of who I really am. I have used power that I am privy to against my own allies, and against others who did not deserve it. I had vowed never to use this power, that it would only serve as a reminder to right the wrongs my people have committed over the last three hundred years. And yet, in the fits of my anger, I had used my master core against others.

I had killed my greatest friend for a title I did not even want. All for self preservation. I simply did not want to die, and instead, killed him. This is the person I am, Allen. The person who you are trying to help... Is nothing but a built up version of myself.

[ Each of those statements all held such weight to them and hit so, SO hard.

It had him remaining quiet so he could take everything in. There was a difference between someone who killed on the daily without a shred of remorse to their actions, and the opposite who had that painful weight on their shoulders on an every day to day basis. Something that plagued them for so long and ate them up from the inside out.

Words spoken of a broken vow and the pain of an unintentional murder.

The fact that Dohalim could speak of it in such a way, spoke louder than anything else. Pain wrapped around his heart and held it tight. Everybody made impulse decisions in the heat of the moment, and he knew not everyone was as self-sacrificing as he was. Hell. He had to even ask himself that if he were in this man's shoes, would he have done the same thing to keep himself alive if pressed to? ]

It... doesn't change anything. I still want to help you.

[ Ah. The tears pricked at the corners of his eyes and Allen had to try and blink past them, setting his jaw in a firm line while using the one hand against Dohalim's head to start brushing his fingers through those wavy red locks gently. ]

You've been in such pain for so long over what happened. [ He exhaled a shaky breath and shook his head. ] I don't find you selfish. It's not wrong to want to live, and... sometimes we make mistakes when pushed to a point. You both were likely under a lot of pressure and acted without thinking.

[ Allen paused after a moment or two, then pulled his hand away from Dohalim's hair and held it with his palm open and facing upwards. This was a LOT to expect from a stranger but his instincts were pushing him to do so. ]

If you... would trust me with it? That... master core... if you worry you may use it again, I can hold onto it and keep it from being used.

[ His other hand gave Dohalim's a reassuring squeeze, and even if his cheeks had become streaked with tears? There was no judgment or anger in any of his words or actions. All he wanted was to help the man out, to alleviate even just a little of his suffering that's been plaguing him. ]

The man you are underneath the facade and the mask...? I still want to help you so you don't hurt like that anymore.

That is the problem, is it not? I had acted without thinking. My emotions were laid out, and I acted upon them. You say it is not wrong to want to live, but... How could I keep living when there are those whose life holds more value than my own?

[it's a soft confession, but a confession none the less, holding all of the weight that Dohalim is carrying in his heart. it felt like the vice grip is only getting tighter, squeezing as if trying to crush it, and him. blood rushes in his ears and just thinking almost becomes too unbearable. why does Allen still want to help? he'd confessed truly terrible things. it just doesn't make sense.

but the question makes it to him, almost muffled, but he hears it. let him hold onto it...? what a dangerous prospect, giving him such a valuable item. to hand over three hundred years of suffering, to hand over something that held so much astral energy... well, it isn't like Allen can use it, right? and he knows he won't use it again, he can't use it again.

but what if...

no, if there is still doubt, it could still happen. if not by his own hand, by whatever comes over him again, forcing his hand. no, he doesn't want the temptation. he doesn't want to tap into the instinctual power the master core possesses. he doesn't want it. he can still use his artes if he wants to. he just won't be coerced into tapping into that power.

holding a hand out, he summons the master core, dim gold and emitting flecks of residual astral energy. he's hesitant, but firmly presses it into Allen's hand, and with it, a huge amount of his trust in the young man]

Do not lose it. It contains three hundred years of pain and suffering, as well as immense power. But please... I cannot carry it, anymore. Not right now.

[ Allen's breath shuddered and he shook his head, trying to properly regain some sense of calm. His ears were ringing, images flashing through his mind of a time long since passed that he could never forget. Those words dredged up something oh-so-familiar, and if Dohalim could see his face in this next moment?

A look of pained guilt and hurt was written all over it. ]

It was by my own hand that my only real father figure is dead.

[ He lets it sink in, his shoulders slumping just a little while releasing what's in his heart. To let Dohalim know that he felt that same pain. It hurt just the same. Words could never truly convey how guilty he still felt about it. ]

I wasn't strong enough to stop it. He was so positive and outgoing. I learned how to be the way I am today from him, and... if it wasn't for me he'd still be alive. [ A raw confession of his own, eyes shut as he slowly reigned in his shaky breaths. Then... if he'd said this much? ] I thought I should have died... not him. I... I've lost too many people I care about... so don't say things like that.

[ That was out of the way, words that wouldn't likely even leave this room. He had blood on his hands that he could never erase, and yet he too strode forwards. Keep walking on this path.

Allen didn't entirely know if Dohalim would dare trust him with a thing like that. Something that just sounded full of raw power and so inherently dangerous. He just wanted to help by removing the temptation to use it, with absolutely no ill intent whatsoever and that may have been the very reason that he soon felt that weight pressed into his hand.

The Master Core's latent energy was enough that he could almost feel it, eyes re-opening to look down at it even as his fingers firmly grasped onto it. A strange, but beautiful item with a history that also served as a burden for Dohalim himself. ]

I promise I will keep it safe. There's.. a place I can keep it where noone else but me has access to.

[ This trust was not at all misplaced as he'd never done a single thing to warrant anything less, and this seemed like it would be a great help. Allen brought it closer and set it on his lap for now. Somewhere close until he could take it to the ark. ]

[he honestly hadn't expected Allen's own confession; he always seemed so cheery. but then again... those who had such dispositions sometimes hid ugly truths. Allen was no different. and he was blind to it.

letting go of Allen's hand for a moment, he shifts around so he's facing the other, carefully nudging the basin out of the way. without saying anything, he gently brushes his thumb against his cheek, across the scar against his pale skin. he'd been crying. and he, most likely, had a hand in this]

Allen...

[Dohalim's eyes shimmer into a different colour, one that matches Allen's completely; he leans in to gently press his lips to Allen's forehead. he's grown so attached to him in such a short period of time, and it hurts to know that he'd dredged up painful memories for him. an arm wraps around Allen's shoulders as his other hand combs through his hair, pulling him close]

...Forgive me. Forgive me for saying such things...

[does he still have lingering feelings of his lack of value in his life? yes. will he always? possibly. but... he already asked Allen to stay. maybe... maybe he can stay for him, too]

[ Once he'd started, those words had all burst forth like a broken dam and he hadn't wanted to stop them. A mix of wanting to get it off his chest and the feelings he had over hearing Dohalim say something so self deprecating which had been like a knife in his chest.

This was the first time in his entire life that he'd ever admitted what he thought when it came to him and Mana, and he briefly wondered if he'd said too much. Would he be perceived to be selfish because he wanted someone else to live simply because he didn't want to deal with any more losses in his life? That had him biting down on his lower lip briefly, not having the strength to get up even as Dohalim moved around to face him properly this time.

A thumb brushing against his scar did make him look up, however, his name spoken oh-so-softly and rich brown eyes that now resembled his completely in color now. ]

I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean to...

[ It was never a surprise that he was an emotional person and now was no different, and so he'd impulsively apologized for doing so. Especially since it'd been something of a minor breakdown there.

He didn't realize that his eyes in turn, had changed to reflect Dohalim's usual eye color as he found a kiss pressed to his forehead. Such a thing that did wonders to soothe the pain clutching at his chest, a raw wound he'd ripped open wide in the heat of the moment.

Allen didn't even try to fight it when the older man pulled him close, just simply opting to rest his head on Dohalim's shoulder. ]

I... I just... [ He took a second to control his breathing and get ahold of what he wanted to say properly. ] I couldn't help myself. I got a little too upset hearing you say that.

[ A beat followed that, a slightly bitter smile showing as what looked like deep blue butterflies materialized but disappeared into nothingness once they came into contact with his pale white hair. They almost looked to be made of water if one got a good look at them. ]

I've seen grief destroy people, Dohalim. Don't go down that road... please. I want you to live... even if it's selfish to ask you to do it for a friend. For me.

[to live for a friend... to live for someone else... Allen had managed to tear down some of those walls so swiftly that he didn't realise just how close he'd gotten until it was too late to push him out. now, Dohalim can't even fathom the idea of doing so, not after the both of them had laid out deep secrets they held within themselves, secrets he's sure the both of them never wanted out.

and yet, here they are, here he is, embracing a near stranger, someone who he'd only just met, holding onto him in such a way, as if almost worried that the boy would just slip through his arms and fade into nothing, and that he would be left alone again. he only holds onto Allen tighter]

I will stay. I will live. I will stay with you, if you stay with me.

[leaning back a little, he looks at Allen, into those now honey brown eyes that he'd seen so many times in his own reflection ('This must be the work of the kizuna,' he thinks to himself), as he gently presses a feather light kiss against his lips. it's brief, barely there, but sweet all the same. as he pulls away, he has an after thought to a question he'd been asked by the very person in front of him, one that he hadn't given a answer to]

Yes, I do, by the way. Like music, I mean. [his eyes flash a deep blue, before turning back to the icy tone] ...I used to play the violin.

[he isn't sure if Allen knows what that is, but that's okay. he can ask him, if he's not familiar]

Edited 2021-11-08 08:24 (UTC)

[ This was all so strange. He'd just come here with the intention to simply help out Dohalim with cleaning those linens and leave him be since he had insisted on such.

Now... things had developed to the point where he was being held tightly in the older man's arms, but it wasn't at all uncomfortable. It was encompassing and warm, a reminder once more that he'd spent too long on his own and why he slowly reached out to loosely wrap his arms around Dohalim after a moment.

His eyes were closed, content not to move from this spot and brought more comfort when he'd heard such words. A comforting balm to soothe those wounds that been opened only moments prior. ]

I said before... didn't I? I'll stay as long as you want me to. [ A soft, light laugh breathed out and he was smiling again. No more tears seemed to remain, though this wasn't a mask. Something very inherently genuine and kind. ] Assuming that's what you meant, that is. I don't mind staying with you.

[ While kizuna still took some adjusting to, there was something nice in seeing his own pale gray-blue hues looking at him. It made him wonder if his eyes reflected Dohalim's as well, though he was brought back to his thoughts when those lips pressed a light kiss to his own.

His cheeks turned the softest shade of pink, as it had been such a gentle and kind gesture. As brief and short as it'd been, not realizing when kizuna had manifested a beautiful, vibrant yellow rose in his hair as his attention was focused on Dohalim as he finally spoke up after that.

Something that made him blink a few times before it clicked where that came from. ]

Really?? That... it suits you.

[ Allen always had been the honest time, now was no different. He'd also had a complicated relationship with music, but he may as well be up front about things here, too. ]

I just... I know how to play a piano. Though it's... just one song at the moment.

Edited 2021-11-09 01:30 (UTC)

[Dohalim gives Allen a sort of perplexed look, before his face melts into something softer, fonder. He really is this innocent... and it also makes him feel just a little guilty about imposing himself onto him in their first meeting.

However, as the yellow rose blooming in the soft white locks of Allen’s hair catches Dohalim’s interest for a moment as his eyes flick to it. Fingers slide towards it to gently brush against the petals; how odd. But... a yellow rose of friendship and happiness... is Allen truly this happy from their bond? It’s strange.

But... he has to appreciate it all the same. It’s a beautiful rose, opposite to the ones he’d produced when he used Sanguine Blossom. No, the petals are light and pure, with no bloodshed tied to them.

The piano... he hasn’t heard one played in so long, he almost forgot what it sounds like. But it does please him to know that Allen is a man of music]

Is that what you were humming earlier? And the notes floating around us?

[ It could be said for how strong kizuna could be, materializing something like a flower so vibrant and real and yet barely lasted a touch before shimmering faintly. A visual representation of something he felt but was barely tangible on it's own.

He didn't even notice it until Dohalim had reached out to touch it, curiosity written all over his face for just a second or two.

Part of him was still thinking about the look the man had on his face before then, as if he'd said something unexpected and then it became so soft and kind. A nagging thought in the back of his mind did have him wondering if things would be okay if Nea showed up again, though he hadn't experienced any relapses up until this point thankfully. Would Dohalim and those he met here be at risk to be hurt if that time did come??

Allen shoved that thought aside, thinking back to earlier and laughing softly. ]

Y-Yeah. I mean... the one I was humming was that, but the notes? Inspired BY it but probably tied to my mood, since it's kizuna.

[ The notes had long since faded for now, but he'd been aware of them while they'd been present. Hard to miss them with how glowy they'd been, really. ]

Kizuna... Such a strange magic.

[humming softly to himself, he shifts around just a little out of comfort; still embracing Allen, Dohalim moves to sit down properly, legs loosely laid out on other side of him as he pulls the other against his chest. He glances down at his soaking regalia, and while a part of him knows that they should really take care of it, he’s not so inclined to let go of Allen for the time being]

A yellow rose... For friendship. And music notes to reflect happiness. I wonder... Are you truly that happy around me?

[if it’s true, it would be the first time in so long. Even his companions back home... he’s sure they’re not happy to be in his company, but rather stay by his side out of convenience]

It is. I've never seen anything like it before I arrived here.

[ Not that it was bad. Just a bit difficult to get used to as it was hard to predict what to expect with it each time.

There was a strange, comfortable warmth that came with being embraced like this and it was clear that Dohalim must like it as much as he did. What with the man having moved to sit down while pulling him close to his chest, which - surprisingly - didn't at all feel invasive in the slightest.

It was rather comfortable, though he wasn't sure if it was just because of the bond they shared or not. Either way, he wasn't inclined to really move away yet. ]

Of course I am. [ The softest of chuckles sounded from him, light and almost melodic. ] I care about you, Dohalim. When I'm with you, I don't feel like I have to put up my guard at all and I can truly relax.

[loosely wrapping his arms around Allen's waist again, he laces his fingers together. a soft sigh slips out of him as he leans in to press his face into Allen's shoulder again, listening to him speak. he can't help but smile bitterly at that; to truly care about him, and feel this relaxed around him--]

--I almost want to say that it sounds foolish.

[perhaps it's because he's seen too many people get hurt around him, or that he was the one to hurt them. the last thing he wants is for Allen to get hurt because of him.

perhaps it's a fear of his he'll never get over]

[ Surely it said something to the small effect this place had on him, as he wasn't moving away from this contact. This feeling of arms loosely wrapped around his waist was far from unwanted, and the thought occurred to him that he could almost fall asleep like this. ]

Hmm? Why would it be foolish?

[ Allen couldn't help but laugh softly, closing his eyes for a moment as he just allowed himself to take everything in. ]

Is it really so strange for someone to be happy and feel this way around you?

If you want the shortest answer possible, then yes.

[Dohalim's voice is the opposite of the light, airiness of Allen's laugh; devoid of most emotions, but just as soft. really, the answer is deeper than just a single word, and he debates whether or not he should open himself up more to let Allen take a peek at what his dysfunction really looks like.

and hope to whatever god that's out there that the younger man doesn't push him away]

Because, simply put, I do not deserve it. I truly do not. I've hurt people around me, I have killed someone so dear to me because of my own selfish need to survive, for a title that I did not even want.

Even the companions I was with before arriving in Nippon... I consider them allies... Maybe even friends. But that may just be out of sheer desperation. I certainly do not see happiness in their eyes when they are around me, but more of a... Convenience. Or, perhaps, an inconvenience they feel they have to endure.

[Dohalim's voice, while flat, is oddly calm at the same time. as if he's accepted it as truth. in his mind's eye, it really is]

[ It had to be the sheer heaviness and the lack of many emotions in the older man's voice that cut deeper than Allen had expected, an iciness settling over him as his brows knit into a small frown even as he listened to those words.

A familiar hurt clutched at his chest as it had before, but this time he knew he had to stay calm.

Dohalim spoke of these people he called friends and how he was sure of how they looked at him. 'An inconvenience they feel they have to endure'. Something just didn't sit right with him, bringing up his hands to overlap Dohalim's where they rested with fingers laced together. His perspective on friends and those close to him were probably different than most, but maybe he might be able to grant some insight here. ]

Are you sure it's not just because that's what you want to see? You might be the only one who thinks they see you like that, because of the guilt you carry.

[ Allen shifted to look a bit back at the older man, still not pulling away from this embrace or having any intentions of such. There was so much of this to go through but he'd do his best. ]

If you consider them possibly friends... did you think to ask how they felt about you?

[ The resignation in Dohalim's voice actually hurt in a way he couldn't quite put a finger on, and he sincerely hoped the man didn't push him away for saying such blunt words. He took in a deep inhale, then let it go as something solemn and almost dark fell about him. ]

I do understand though. How it feels to think you don't deserve kindness or having someone who would feel happy around you due to what you've done... I get it. [ The only person he's ever really killed had been Mana when he was revived as an akuma, and the others were just ones he failed to save but then again.. there was always more to it. He himself was a complex mess and it was time to dig deep to get it all out there. ] The one place I call my home...? I'm on the run from them back home as they labeled me as a fugitive. Most of the people there... they see me as a traitor and a monster even though things are out of my control.

[ People didn't think he didn't notice the disdainful looks people shot him once the Noah-related things were revealed about him? He wasn't blind, he just put up a mask so he pretended like he didn't know while being perpetually afraid everyone he cared for was going to leave or die on him. ]

It just seemed like people being close to me lead to them getting hurt... and I spent months on the run to keep them safe. Away from me. It was so lonely... and I convinced myself it was for the best. Even with everything i've done... [ Allen's breath trembled but he didn't cry. Not this time. His head was bowed, focusing on keeping Dohalim here as selfish as it may be. ] Please. You keep telling me you don't deserve it, but I don't see that at all.

You have to understand that, while I am different from other Renans, as a former lord, I represent the very people that oppressed and enslaved the Dahnans for hundreds of years. While I consider my companions close, aside from one other Renan, there are four Dahnans comprising the group.

[it's hard to ignore the looks Rinwell gives him, or the muttering under her breath about the smallest thing about Dohalim. he, however, isn't in any sort of position to defend himself; it was the Renans (namely Almeidrea) who wiped out her entire clan and family. to argue the fact that the blame shouldn't be put on him would be discounting her truly terrible loss.

Law is-- was-- slightly better in that regard; though, in the end, it was the same. his father had died at the hand of a Renan lord. then there was Kisara and Migal. Migal had died because of his own ignorance, wanting to ignore what was happening behind his back to live in a fabricated version of peace in his realm]

It isn't so much an assumption than it is mere facts. And yet, I still consider them friends.

[which only did speak volumes about how lonely he really is. to have lost his own, very small group of friends that he basically attached himself to the first person who'd shown him a semblance of kindness (then again, Alphen truly was just that type of person)... it sounded pathetic the more Dohalim thought about it.

but as he listens to Allen's words, his own admissions, he starts to realise that, while their situations are vastly different, there are some parallels to their lives. to want push people away in an attempt to protect them, to live with their own sins... and that tremble in his voice...

unlacing his hands, Dohalim gently places one over Allens, giving it a light squeeze]

[ Once again he'd internally winced as once again he'd went off on a tangent, riled up with his own emotions despite his best efforts to say calm about the whole matter. There was no promise that Dohalim even wanted to hear about all of that and here he'd went, spilling it all out there and he couldn't take it back.

Before he'd gotten a chance to apologize for rambling on like that, the older man spoke up again and he quietly listened to everything while collecting himself the best he was able to.

Those were all solid points in themselves, but... he was still somewhat stubborn and he'd never really learnt how to just leave things be. ]

You may be a former lord... but you personally had nothing to do with the oppression or slavery of all of those Dahnan people, Dohalim. I just... don't know why they wouldn't be able to separate the two when they look at you.

[ He closed his eyes, and what looked like little snowflakes were materializing and falling onto Allen's hair but as soon as they did? It dissipated as if it'd never been there at all. ]

That says a lot about your wish to be close to them. You're really quite kind, and I know if you tried to show you want to make up for anything bad you may have done? I'm sure eventually they will see that.

[ As someone who wore his heart on his sleeve, there were still many times when he doubted if his words had any real effect on others. He'd always still reach out that hand to help others, facing forwards with a smile that occasionally was just a mask he put on to appease others as that's what people liked to see, right?

The unlacing of those hands and the one placed atop of his own, coupled with that light squeeze was enough to silence his anxiety on the matter and he exhaled a soft breath he hadn't even been consciously aware of holding. ]

I... got a little carried away before. Again. Sorry about that.

Trauma is a beast like that. For them to have a face to blame for what they have endured...

[while he understands what he's trying to say, and that there is logic behind them, to Dohalim... it just isn't as simple as that. even though he vowed to end the Crown Contest, to stop the unethical treatment of Dahnans, and free everyone from the shackles of something so cruel... it's just easier to take that blame. he's no stranger to looks of hatred]

Am I truly that kind? Or, again, is it just out of sheer desperation of wanting that closeness? What if, like how I'd brought peace to my realm, it is all just self serving? Do I truly deserve this companionship, or is it selfish of me to want it?

I know... but it just doesn't feel right to put it all on you.

[ Allen knew the feeling of people staring at him with disdainful, hurt looks. People who have lost family or friends to the akuma or the Noah family, then finding out he was one of them?

He knew every single time those people glared at him or talked behind his back, that they were only using him as an outlet because they'd been told he was a Noah (which he was) and clearly just as bad as the rest of them. The things Rouvelier must have said to fill their heads up about how awful he truly must be as a 'traitor' to the Order.

That's why his words had been lined with sadness a moment before, at least until his attention shifted to what the older man had said just then. ]

Dohalim...

[ His brows narrowed and in that next moment? Allen moved to carefully turn around so he could cup Dohalim's face in both hands. ]

Stop putting yourself down like that. You're not selfish for wanting this and you DO deserve it, okay?

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