Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

[Said video post would occur sometime after a bout of loud, illegal fireworks going off in the Shinjuku area, promptly followed by the disappearance of the 7' tall penis statue in front of the exotic dildo store.

This completely anonymous villain is filming from a dark area, dress in all black with a kitsune mask covering his face and long, curly horns. He does his best Tseng impression using a voice modulator.]

Did anyone witness the brilliant fireworks show earlier?

Well, while you were busy watching the show, we took your beloved penis statue.

If you ever want to see it again, we demand one trillion gil and a gold chocobo. Bring it to the southernmost pier in Yokohama.

[He puts a finger over the mouth of the mask and the feed cuts.

...

Then the feed comes back on.]

Two gold chocobos.

[The feed cuts off.]

Comments

Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

[When he pops on he still has all the anonymous stuff up, but he might have fallen out of the 'Tseng impression.]

Dude, how dare you laugh. This is fucking serious.

[50000baht]

Really? That's serious? Publically admitting to theft and defacement? Why did you snag a giant dick?

[ Grins even more, leaning in slightly. ]

Do we have to compensate for something, nh?

[tightbod_bigrod]

'Cause we're crime lords, that's why. Can you think of a more nefarious crime than running off with someone's dick?

[And maybe they were a bit bored and not getting into the 'murdering' business.]

[50000baht]

Oh, is that what they're calling this, these days.

[ The smuggest smirk ever ]

Where I'm from, we call it petty thievery.

But sure, let me help you with some ideas. Extortion, smuggling, gambling, abductions, trafficking...

[ Smirk fades a bit. ]

I may add to my list of elite skills mentorship, at this point.

[tightbod_bigrod]

Hey hey hey. Smuggling and gambling and shit are fine, but we don't deal in trafficking or murder or anything anymore.

We're way cooler than that. We're the fun crime lords.

[50000baht]

Are you now....

So how many virgins do you think you're going to appease with that thing? Are you planning to improve the fishing guild at the port market?

[tightbod_bigrod]

One... Nah, two.

[Is that an insult for Cloud and his girlfriend? Perhaps.]

You know, 'fishing' could be a good thing to get into. Lots of possibilities for trouble there...

[50000baht]

Ah, you might not be familiar with the lore.

See, in Korea, there's a fishing town that believes that erecting glorious cocks would soothe a drowned virgin's restless spirit. And therefore, there would be good fishing.

You should definitely wave that big cock around the port and see what happens.

[tightbod_bigrod]

That's a pretty cool story. Don't think we had one like that at home.

Unfortunately, it's already been donated to a good cause.

[Yeah, they were never expecting anyone to legitimately try to pay the ransom.]

[50000baht]

So you stole something and then donated it.

[He's speaking slowly as if he's trying to comprehend what a toddler is saying. ]

With... no return for your efforts.

[Okay, this 'crime lord' is no threat to him.]

[tightbod_bigrod]

"No return"?

The return is gonna be awesome. Just waiting for it.

[Although nope, not a monetary return. That's what the porn site is for!]

[50000baht]

[A small hum of understanding. ]

The baby gangstas have to start somewhere.

[ Have some golf applause, unnamed wonder. ]

[tightbod_bigrod]

It's cool. You'll understand when you're older.

[Really, he was chill. He wasn't concerned with proving anything. Been there, done that, now he steals dicks and making explosions for fun, and he wasn't going to worry about any hot-blooded delinquents.]

May your crimes be half as enjoyable as ours.

[50000baht]

They'll definitely be more profitable.

Hope you'll find your penis soon.

[tightbod_bigrod]

Ever consider modeling?

[If it's profits he's worried about, why not...?]

[50000baht]

Modeling? For what?

[Being a spokesperson for rice and bread is modelling enough, in his books. ]

[tightbod_bigrod]

For the ladies.

...And the gentlemen. I know a nice gig that could earn you a decent amount if it's profits your worried about. Some damn easy money.

As long as you're not bashful.

[50000baht]

[Slightly tighter smile. ]

I'll have to gracefully refuse. I've been using my big brain here for business transactions and don't have the time to strut around pretending I'm a big shot.

[tightbod_bigrod]

Suit yourself. When you make your big bucks you can always be a customer.