Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

[Said video post would occur sometime after a bout of loud, illegal fireworks going off in the Shinjuku area, promptly followed by the disappearance of the 7' tall penis statue in front of the exotic dildo store.

This completely anonymous villain is filming from a dark area, dress in all black with a kitsune mask covering his face and long, curly horns. He does his best Tseng impression using a voice modulator.]

Did anyone witness the brilliant fireworks show earlier?

Well, while you were busy watching the show, we took your beloved penis statue.

If you ever want to see it again, we demand one trillion gil and a gold chocobo. Bring it to the southernmost pier in Yokohama.

[He puts a finger over the mouth of the mask and the feed cuts.

...

Then the feed comes back on.]

Two gold chocobos.

[The feed cuts off.]

Comments

Video ; UN: P'Magnum

[50000baht]

[[Don't mind Kinn, he's too busy trying to catch his breath after laughing so hard]]

video | un: sincity

[patheticmeowmeow]

(( also laughing pretty hard. ))

What the fuck is a chocobo?

Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

[When he pops on he still has all the anonymous stuff up, but he might have fallen out of the 'Tseng impression.]

Dude, how dare you laugh. This is fucking serious.

Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

You wanna check one out, you could visit the chocobo farm in Neo Midgar. I hear there's gonna be chocobo races.

[50000baht]

Really? That's serious? Publically admitting to theft and defacement? Why did you snag a giant dick?

[ Grins even more, leaning in slightly. ]

Do we have to compensate for something, nh?

[patheticmeowmeow]

(( ok so they're racing animals and clearly of value to someone since they're asking for them as ransom. ))

Yeah? Who's taking the bets?

[tightbod_bigrod]

'Cause we're crime lords, that's why. Can you think of a more nefarious crime than running off with someone's dick?

[And maybe they were a bit bored and not getting into the 'murdering' business.]

[tightbod_bigrod]

Probably the cute blond twink. I'm sure you could ride one for the right amount. Maybe even go gliding.

[Yeah, despite all the anonymous stuff, he's dropped the 'Tseng' act and is acting like his usual, cordial but crude self.]

[patheticmeowmeow]

So, uh, why announce this ransom demand to everyone when you're clearly targeting this farm?

video; un: afairguy

[fairlyheroic]

[wait, wait, give him a few seconds, he's cracking up]

A trillion gil is a little steep, don't you think?

[tightbod_bigrod]

What makes you think we're targeting the farm? They don't got 1 trillion gil.

[tightbod_bigrod]

Wouldn't you pay 1 trillion gil to get your dick back?

[patheticmeowmeow]

But they're likely the only place to get these racing animals you're also demanding. Also, uh, isn't yen the currency here?

[fairlyheroic]

Do I look like a guy who has that much just laying around?

I'd have better luck trying to steal it back.

[50000baht]

Oh, is that what they're calling this, these days.

[ The smuggest smirk ever ]

Where I'm from, we call it petty thievery.

But sure, let me help you with some ideas. Extortion, smuggling, gambling, abductions, trafficking...

[ Smirk fades a bit. ]

I may add to my list of elite skills mentorship, at this point.

video, un: white heron

[mistsplitter]

[ Ayaka's response comes the morning after, when she finds the STOLEN DICK in her home. ]

Whoever you are, I vow to find you. I will not stand for this- whatever this is!

[tightbod_bigrod]

Hey hey hey. Smuggling and gambling and shit are fine, but we don't deal in trafficking or murder or anything anymore.

We're way cooler than that. We're the fun crime lords.

[tightbod_bigrod]

I mean, yeah, sure, in most places. But you can't have Neo Midgar without any gil.

I don't think they have any gold chocobos. You wanna rescue the penis? Then invest in some chocobo pairs and start breeding.

[tightbod_bigrod]

There's no way you could out-steal master thieves. You'd be dickless.

[50000baht]

Are you now....

So how many virgins do you think you're going to appease with that thing? Are you planning to improve the fishing guild at the port market?

[tightbod_bigrod]

...It's a dick.

[He's very helpful.]

[tightbod_bigrod]

One... Nah, two.

[Is that an insult for Cloud and his girlfriend? Perhaps.]

You know, 'fishing' could be a good thing to get into. Lots of possibilities for trouble there...

private video | un: bossturk

[necessarycruelties]

[ He watches the video carefully, paying attention to words, the modulated voice and the speech pattern, seeing if he can discern anything from that because the individual in the video has done quite well at disguising their appearance. On his first watch, nothing really stands out, so he watches it again.

It occurs to Tseng upon watching again that the voice sounds like a poor attempt at his own. And, upon this realization, he sighs... because this could only be one person.

He turns the camera on, and the face that Anonymous will see is the very disappointed face of somebody who may or may not be their boss. ]

Reno. [ A pause ] Was this really necessary? Do you really think a statue of a penis is worth one trillion gil and two gold chocobos?

[patheticmeowmeow]

Probably cheaper just to commission a bigger, better dick.

un: god.of.death

[maxwellsdaemon]

[No words. Just laughter. Lots and lots of loud belly-laughing.

Duo is HIGHLY amused.]