Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

[Said video post would occur sometime after a bout of loud, illegal fireworks going off in the Shinjuku area, promptly followed by the disappearance of the 7' tall penis statue in front of the exotic dildo store.

This completely anonymous villain is filming from a dark area, dress in all black with a kitsune mask covering his face and long, curly horns. He does his best Tseng impression using a voice modulator.]

Did anyone witness the brilliant fireworks show earlier?

Well, while you were busy watching the show, we took your beloved penis statue.

If you ever want to see it again, we demand one trillion gil and a gold chocobo. Bring it to the southernmost pier in Yokohama.

[He puts a finger over the mouth of the mask and the feed cuts.

...

Then the feed comes back on.]

Two gold chocobos.

[The feed cuts off.]

Comments

Video ; UN: P'Magnum

[50000baht]

[[Don't mind Kinn, he's too busy trying to catch his breath after laughing so hard]]

Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

[When he pops on he still has all the anonymous stuff up, but he might have fallen out of the 'Tseng impression.]

Dude, how dare you laugh. This is fucking serious.

[50000baht]

Really? That's serious? Publically admitting to theft and defacement? Why did you snag a giant dick?

[ Grins even more, leaning in slightly. ]

Do we have to compensate for something, nh?

video | un: sincity

[patheticmeowmeow]

(( also laughing pretty hard. ))

What the fuck is a chocobo?

Video, UN: Anonymous

[tightbod_bigrod]

You wanna check one out, you could visit the chocobo farm in Neo Midgar. I hear there's gonna be chocobo races.

[patheticmeowmeow]

(( ok so they're racing animals and clearly of value to someone since they're asking for them as ransom. ))

Yeah? Who's taking the bets?

video; un: afairguy

[fairlyheroic]

[wait, wait, give him a few seconds, he's cracking up]

A trillion gil is a little steep, don't you think?

[tightbod_bigrod]

Wouldn't you pay 1 trillion gil to get your dick back?

[fairlyheroic]

Do I look like a guy who has that much just laying around?

I'd have better luck trying to steal it back.

video, un: white heron

[mistsplitter]

[ Ayaka's response comes the morning after, when she finds the STOLEN DICK in her home. ]

Whoever you are, I vow to find you. I will not stand for this- whatever this is!

[tightbod_bigrod]

...It's a dick.

[He's very helpful.]

[mistsplitter]

I can very well see that! And I wish I didn't have to!

[ Let Ayaka say dick. ]

What I cannot accept is the result of this crime! I do not know why it is you decided to involve the Kamisato Clan in your mischief, but it is something we cannot condone.

private video | un: bossturk

[necessarycruelties]

[ He watches the video carefully, paying attention to words, the modulated voice and the speech pattern, seeing if he can discern anything from that because the individual in the video has done quite well at disguising their appearance. On his first watch, nothing really stands out, so he watches it again.

It occurs to Tseng upon watching again that the voice sounds like a poor attempt at his own. And, upon this realization, he sighs... because this could only be one person.

He turns the camera on, and the face that Anonymous will see is the very disappointed face of somebody who may or may not be their boss. ]

Reno. [ A pause ] Was this really necessary? Do you really think a statue of a penis is worth one trillion gil and two gold chocobos?

Private

[tightbod_bigrod]

There's no Reno here!

And 'course not. We already gave it away to a deserving couple.

Private

[necessarycruelties]

Of course, my apologies for assuming. [ He's not sorry, not really. ] You should know that I know you well enough by now to know that it's you, though.

[ Tseng sighs, thinking back to the years he's known Reno, and wishing that something from said years had prepared him for dealing with... this. Nothing in his years of being the Boss, of being second in command, of even just being a Turk has prepared him for the news that his own second in command had stolen a penis statue and, apparently, delivered it to somebody. ]

Who was the lucky couple?

un: god.of.death

[maxwellsdaemon]

[No words. Just laughter. Lots and lots of loud belly-laughing.

Duo is HIGHLY amused.]

[tightbod_bigrod]

Knew I could count on you to appreciate art, stranger.

Video; UN: Songbird

[song_princess]

[A slow sigh leaves her.]

I don't think you managed to get into my home. You could have stayed for some tea, my silly lord.

[tightbod_bigrod]

...If you wanna bring out some tea we can drop by and pick it up.

No drugging it, though.

[A successful crime AND free tea? Good day.]

voice; un: exsoldierboy

[sultanofsquat]

[ He doesn't go to video. He's too red in the face for that. ]

You ain't gonna like the gold chocobo coming your way.

[tightbod_bigrod]

Better not be Zack in a costume.

Video | un: warder

[beshackled]

[A grainy video offered gains one in response, and with the individual being masked, Erichthonios dons his mask as well. The feed starts with an image of the mask against his black robes, a dark-skinned hand reaching to grasp it to affix it to his face, yet-offscreen.]

I don't understand. Did the people who were fond of the anatomical statue cause you some offense?

Re: Video | un: warder

[tightbod_bigrod]

Nah, she's cool.

[So he says rather flippantly. He didn't really mind the old dildo store lady. And were their major fans of the statue besides the store lady? Well, Reno was entertained by it, anyway...]

But that dick was just desperate for some flowers, yo.

Text; un: BurningRed

[thelastchoice]

Who's gonna wanna pay two chocobo for only one dick?

[ She doesn't know what a chocobo is, but that's not the point. It's not like this strange...ransom video has anything to do with her. Unsolicited criticism is really all she has to offer. ]

[tightbod_bigrod]

You greatly underestimate how much men value their dicks.

Although I guess this dick belonged to a woman.